Leaving the Light
By: Christine Schnell
EPISODE 1: Life as We Know It.
Chapter 1.
Let me begin at the very beginning for me, the year was 1974,
and my parents for some strange reason had seen it fit to have a
second child, and that child was born into the world, to their
disappointment, however, I was female, Anthony, they had wanted
to call me after my Grandfather, and so I was named Antoniette,
but they and everyone else always called me Toni, go figure.
I lead a rather boring life, well come to think of it, it was
much more exciting than my life now, but at the time it was
boring, get up go to school, come home, do homework, go to bed,
something like now except there's no school and no homework. I
was a rather independent isolated child, with few children my
age in the neighborhood I grew up believing I needed no friends.
I went to collage but kept few companions, having only a couple
non serious lovers, and one or two close friends I made my way
into the business world. Once there I picked up my roots and
moved on to where my work took me never letting my feet sink
enough into the ground to become planted. My mother encouraged
me often to go out and meet people but she set a bad example for
she never moved from her chair when she got home at night, after
all she was a hard worker and had to raise two children on her
own, she deserved a little rest. But I took this to mean that
she did not need friends and hence neither did I. There were a
few weak attempts to make contact with others, one of my close
friends was able to get me to go to a club a few times, but
being the isolationist that I am, I was overwhelmed by the
amount of people and was glad when I had the chance to sneak out
and hide in my own little hole. At work and school I had always
been recognized for my leadership potential, I'd be chosen to
lead teams, given more and more responsibility, but despite how
good I was at it, no one had any idea how much I hated the
interaction with others, having to depend on them and at times
carry them through what ever problem they were in at the time.
That was pure hell to me at the time, unfortunately I had no
idea what was to come, if I had I would have used it more to my
advantage.
But I digress, there was one other attempt I made to make
friends, though it failed miserably. I tried my hand at sports,
now being the plump youth I was, I was certainly not the
athletic type, yet as my Mother constantly said "At least it
will get you out of the house." then I would correct her that I
lived in an apartment, there was a difference. I had joined my
company's softball team, for what reason, heaven knows, I liked
baseball and so I thought this would be something I might enjoy.
The people on the team were nice, or perhaps only polite, and
since it was a novice league they welcomed me. I truly didn't
enjoy it as much as I hoped I would, I much rather would have
liked to be sitting at home reading, i.e. learning, yet I had
made a commitment, and I always have been a woman of my word.
So I played softball, actually I never really played, I always
missed the ball, hardly knew what it felt to be on one of those
stupid bases. Yet even with my lack of finesses, talent, or
whatever, it so happened that something good did come of this
time I spent at the ballpark. For one dark night, the moon
hardly shone and the bright lights surrounding each of the
diamonds had a hard time cutting through the mist that had
appeared as it often did since we were near a bay. Here sitting
lonely looking quite forlorn watching as others enjoyed running
about the field stupidly, I myself was being watched. Yet I
knew nothing of it at the time. I had caught a glimpse of the
man before he moved off into the shadows of the building there,
but I thought nothing of it, until the next morning.
A normal day, like all the rest, but one I will never forget,
the monotony was killing me, unfortunately for me that was only
a figure of speech. I had prepared for work, a little groggy
since I had been up late from softball the night before, yet I
managed to be on time as I headed for the door. The mornings
had started to begin later as it was nearing the fall and in the
dark I unlatched the lock on the door. What happened next I'm
not really sure, for it happened fast, something pushed the door
in throwing me back into the room, there was a sharp pain on the
back of my neck and I lost consciousness.
When I awoke next I was not at home, in a hospital, or any
place that I knew, it was dim and the air was humid. I was so
dizzy that I could not even raise my head without getting
nauseated, of course I didn't have the strength to raise my head
so I had no worries about messing myself with my own sickness.
My eyes darted about the room frantically, but they were
unclear, still fuzzy from the deep sleep I had been in, but it
wasn't long until I saw a form and now with something to focus
upon I put all my strength to it, and before me appeared an old
worn face that wore a cracked smile. "Ah, good you're awake,
past the worst of it, he was afraid he had killed you?"
"Who?" My insatiable curiosity had gotten the best of me and I
was more concerned about what I was doing here than my health,
when he didn't answer I asked "Where...?" I wasn't able to get
out the rest of the question for a bloody coughing fit had taken
me.
"Water." he called to someone, then he bent down to me. "You
need to take it easy." He placed the glass to my mouth and most
the water fell to the ground as he poured it through my weak
lips. "All you need to know will come in time." Thinking back
now, he could never have been more right.
He labored over me for the next few days until he had nursed me
back to some semblance of health, and when I was strong enough
to sit that was the moment my learning began. I took in the
room in all it's horror and glory.
It was packed with more people than I could count and not one
of those faces portrayed happiness, each had a sullen and
resigned look to them as if they were zombies, and looked
something of the sort with the scars and limps. My first
thought was that there had been a bomb that had gone off in the
vicinity of my home and I was in some sort of rehabilitation
center, but no faces looked familiar and the scars were not
fresh, these people had been here for a long time and their
familiarity with one another, that I now noticed, proved that.
The people huddled in groups and talked in hushed voices so that
the room never grew above a whisper, almost as if they thought
someone was listening, and perhaps they were. Unfortunately my
hearing had much to be desired at the time and could not hear a
word that was being spoken except those directed solely at me,
and sometimes not even then. And whenever I spoke, my voice
seemed louder than ever above the crowd, even as I attempted to
whisper.
The glory of the room laid in the technology that I could see
from my bed. The medical equipment here was like something out
of a science fiction movie any doctor would kill to get his
hands on, and thankfully not a needle in sight. Yet I had no
idea how badly needed was these medical wonders until later.
There was a second chamber somewhat large from what I could see
of it, what my ears lacked my eyes made up for, there was a
large kitchen and the lights shining off the hanging pots
glistened and flashed about both rooms, near the kitchen was
what appeared to be an activity center with old fashioned board
games, there were rows upon rows of beds that stretched out
beyond my vision, and through it all were hoards of people.
There were others in the medical facility being treated for one
thing or another. Even as I sat there one of their monitors
took on a flat line. There was an onrush of human movement to
the bed. But not one attempted to resurrect the patient. None
of the wonderful equipment was utilized to bring him back to
life, no heart pumps, not even CPR. The people just stood
around the bed and looked at the poor soul. Perhaps not so poor
as the sheet was pulled over the corpse's head I heard one woman
say "Go in peace Fred, you've finally made it." I began to
wonder exactly what I had gotten myself into. Some sort of
religious cult? Or was that just their idea of a funeral?
The people began to disperse soon after that back to whatever
they had been doing before the death occurred, and I went back
to watching them. I didn't really learn that much from what
little I could see. Without a clock, or sun, for I could see no
windows near, I could generally tell when it was time to eat by
watching those approach the kitchen, though the food being
prepared there was in far more excess than what even this large
amount of people could eat. I watched the habits of a few
individual people as they would converse and interact with
others, but nothing substantial came of it. It had occurred to
me, from the small snippet of conversation I could catch, that
these people were not here of their own free will same as I.
However, I still had no clue as to why, where or how.
As I had always been used to, not many people had attempted to
speak with me. Oh there were a few feeble attempts, people came
by said "Hi, I'm so and so. Everything's going to be fine. Blah
blah blah." But in the end they walked away and I would not see
them again for a few days.
So it had come that over that first week of consciousness in
that place I had watched a lot and learned little. But the
entire time I had the overwhelming feeling I myself was being
watched. But not once did I see anyone no matter how fast and
hard I looked. I soon resigned the feeling to paranoia. The
whispering about the place was unnerving enough, and the fact
that no one would tell me where I was or what I was doing there
just heightened my delusions.
I had begun another typical day. The doctor gave me drugs to
help in my rehabilitation but confined me to the bed despite my
want to walk around. I had even begun of late to reject the
drugs as I feared that they were feeding the paranoia, ironic
no? However in the end, no matter how strong my will to do
otherwise, I obeyed.
Having nothing better to do I did what I had done every day.
Watch the monotony around me, staring through that door to the
kitchen. The next thing I noticed, which had come as a surprise
to me as there was no one there a millisecond before, was a man
standing in the doorway directly in my line of vision to the
kitchen. His eyes were glued on me and did not waver. That in
and of itself was strange as I've never had a man look at me in
such a way, as I've mentioned I was not in top physical
condition. Yet he was there unmistakably looking at me with
those sharp dark, nearly black, blue eyes, and just a crack of a
smile. To say he was handsome would be a wild understatement.
You may have heard of a movie star from the 20th century named
Brad Pitt? No? Well anyway, the man before me put beautiful
Brad to shame. If there was a mold for the perfect man, he
would be the model. His long slender yet round and muscular
face gave off a softness that welcomed all onlookers. And his
well toned muscles could easily be seen through his thin loose
fitting white shirt. Not to mention the nice bulges in all the
right places below the belt. I found myself unconsciously
drooling and thus in an awkward and embarrassing position as I
knew he was watching me. I quickly wiped away the dripping
saliva and watched as his smile broadened to show perfectly
formed white teeth.
"Hello Antoniette." His voice was smooth but manly with just a
touch of an English accent. For some reason I was too
transfixed looking at him to notice that he knew my name. He
didn't seem at all phased that I didn't answer, he just leaned
on the door frame and watched me watching him. There was a
type of passive concern on his face. After a moment he spoke
again. "I'm glad to see you're feeling better."
I had become somewhat suspicious of him once my initial awe
passed over. "Why?"
He shrugged with only a little bit of indifference showing. "I
just wanted to get to know you, and I couldn't do that very well
if you weren't in a good condition now could I?"
Again I couldn't help but think he had an ulterior motive for
being here. "Why?"
"You just looked to be a nice person."
I harrumphed "Nice?" I shook my head. Now I knew there was
something else going on here and I wasn't going to play his
game. "Nice? That's what a person like you say's to a fat
person like me when they're just trying to be polite."
"Don't say that." He looked genuinely hurt.
"Why?" I asked again, after all it was very true I have had
plenty of experience in this at least.
"You're not fat."
"And you're blind as well as dumb. How do you know I'd be a
nice person? I'm not in fact. Most people consider me quite
mean." This too is true, but typically they would say it in a
half joking manner after I have made a sarcastic remark. Now
Sarcasm is a wonderful tool. I had learned how to use it
sometime in high school. My youth was littered with instances
to lower my self confidence and esteem. I was the bully and I
was bullied. Being on both sides of the coin I had been riddled
with jokes about my weight and it even got to the point where I
had been so outcast a group of kids began to stone me. Not long
after that instance I began fighting back when I could, I
thought of it as crusades thinking I was getting rid of bullies
when in fact I was just being one myself. Clarification came
when I had taken one hostage with their neck in my arm, it took
several of the teachers to pry me away from her. It was then
that I realized what I had been doing and began a tad bit better
crusade. Instead of fighting others I would fight myself. I
isolated myself as best I could from others, basically made
myself the social outcast I became in my adulthood. Though it
didn't happen all at once. Instances grew further apart and
more mild as I learned to appreciate life in all it's
intricacies but they were still present and every once in a
while I would find I was trying to protect myself from
derogatory nick names or the like. That's when I learned how to
fight back with Sarcasm, no longer did I need to use my size to
intimidate people, just my words. Though as I'm well aware
words can often hurt more than a fist. And if one were to
equate the two, I just gave the beautiful man a black eye.
Despite the slight setback he came right back at me. "Oh, I
believe you are nice, you just don't know it, or are unwilling
to believe it." Touch..
Not willing to be dragged into a debate on my self-esteem I
changed the subject. "You look like you work out often, how'd
you like to be my personal trainer, then we could reduce this
fat a bit." With a smile and just a touch of sarcasm he should
know I was just joking.
"Sure, actually I'd rather enjoy that." Of course I have been
known to be wrong on occasion, but that one actually caught me
off guard.
I blinked at him several times just trying to figure him out
and go over the words again in my head to see if I actually
heard him right. "Yeah?"
His smile broadened and he pulled up a chair straddling it he
looked me deep in the eyes and for a second it actually felt
like we were the only two people in the world. That he and I
were connected in some strange way and that I knew him
completely. "Yeah." he said softly. I think it was just me,
but his voice sounded ever so much sexier just then. "So why
don't you tell me about yourself."
Now as I've mentioned before I've always, up until that point
that is, had a problem with my self esteem, and when asked that
question, especially in a job interview, I always came up empty.
Outside of job interviews it was a reluctance to let others get
to know me, and there was a tad bit of modesty involved as well.
But at that very moment all that fear disappeared and anyone
passing by might have thought me one of the most egotistical
persons about, as I told him proudly of my B+ average in school,
and my leadership positions I had gained at work. As I went on
I went into more personal things such as my love for dogs,
certain science fiction shows, and inversely the stories of King
Arthur and the knights of the round table. I even went into my
few friendships, leaving hardly anything out. By talking so
much I began to grow tired and stopped, he looked a little
saddened that I had, but I turned the tied on him. "So you've
kept me at a disadvantage, why don't you tell me a little about
yourself?"
As luck would have it that's also when the doctor stepped up.
"That's enough for today Bram, she needs her rest."
"Of course." He nodded to the doctor then turned back to me.
"I guess that would have to wait until a later date." He did
something then that completely shocked me, he leaned over and
softly touched my lips with his. "Sleep well my lady." With
that he was gone, I didn't even see him walk out, but then again
I didn't have to, he was still in my head.
I didn't pay any attention as the doctor applied a sedative to
me for all I could say is "His name's Bram." Then I fell into a
rather delightful slumber.
I've always held dreams in high regard as I believe they tell
one something about one's own subconscious, and therein the true
reality lies. If one is lucky enough to remember them, they can
obtain certain amounts of knowledge about oneself. My dreams
that night, I remember fairly well, were nearly all about him.
Though most pieces are missing and were by the time I awoke, I
realized that he would mean something so much more to my life
then just a simple passing ship. Though that could have all
been a fancy made up by my mind as I was completely infatuated
with him. I began asking around. Most knew his name and said
he was a nice guy, but that's as far as they could tell me. I
had an urge to leave my bed and search him out myself, but every
time I moved the doctor was upon me. It was all quite
frustrating.
