Leaving the Light By: Christine Schnell

Chapter 33



	"No!"  I couldn't believe it.  I wouldn't believe it.  We have
established this.  Bram was not a murderer.  "No."

	He was saying it trying to win my affection.  He would do
anything to turn me against Bram.  That was it!  It was a lie to
get me to like him more than Bram.

	Keir paused for a moment.  Was this more jealousy on his part? 
I dream about Bram and not him.  He crossed the room and poured
himself a drink, took it all in one gulp, then started to pour
another.  Maybe there was something else?

	"What do you want?  Do you want me to get on my knees to you? 
I'll do it, just tell me the truth."	

	He shook his head.  "It is the truth.  I don't want your
favors.  I'm trying to protect you.  He is more of a killer than
I can ever be.  He enjoys it."

	"I thought you're the one that enjoys it.  You subject me to
every sadistic thought that runs through your head.  If you call
that protection, then I'd hate to see what you do to your
enemies."  

	"Let me tell you about sadism.  A few hundred years ago, when
we started collecting servants, we were forbidden to kill
whomever we wanted.  Bram never stopped.  He is the only one the
King has sanctioned to kill at will.  He goes out of this
facility and kills so that you won't see him do it.  He finds
the weakest most susceptible humans and attacks them without
warning.  He is a monster.

	"He can't help himself.  He loves the power he gets from
killing.  He believes he would kill you.  Isn't that ironic?"  I
shook my head.  I couldn't speak.  It was wrong, horribly,
completely, wrong.  "The most intimate thing that a vampire can
share and he doesn't because he wants you to live.  What's more,
you want to die.  How very sad for you."  He said with mock
sympathy.  "That is sadism my dear keeping the one thing from
you that you wish for the most for his own satisfaction."

	I couldn't listen anymore.  Bram a murderer?  A monster?  I was
going to be sick.  

	Yet it had a ring of the truth.  Why would Bram do those
things?  Especially avoid such intimate contact.  Sex was one
thing, but even I had to admit that being bitten enhances the
experience.  So why wouldn't Bram want to share that with me?

	I remembered a week so long ago; Bram brought me into his room
to keep me protected from other vampires.  Why would he do such
a thing if he couldn't control himself around me?  "Would a
monster do that?"

	"Did he really keep his composure?"

	It took me a moment but I realized he hadn't been around the
entire time.  I hardly saw him that week and when I did, he
avoided physical contact.  That did have to take a certain
amount of control.  If he did bite me would he be able to
maintain that control?

	Words floated in my head that I hadn't heard for almost two
years, "He was afraid he had killed you."  Why would he be
afraid if what Keir said wasn't true?  Bram would stop if he had
to?  He did in my dream.

	That dream I just had, was that Bram or I drinking from that
man?  Scarier, was that even a dream?  "Was it?"  I finally
asked Keir aloud.  Could Keir be telling me the truth for once?

	He avoided the question.  "Take my advice, never ask him to
drink from you, that is if you wish to go on living."

	"He'd never hurt me."  They were Bram's words.  It was a swear
from the heart.

	"He may not intend to, but if he bites you you'll regret it."

	"Bram's not a cold blooded killer, you are."

	"Have you seen me kill?"  Something more to think about, I
haven't.  "When I do kill, it's sanctioned by the King.  Ask
Bram if Denise's death was sanctioned."

	I wouldn't believe Bram would kill for the pleasure of it
alone.  "Denise's death was an accident.  He didn't know how
close she already was to death."

	"Poor innocent fool.  Is that what he told you?"  Keir shook
his head then adopted a more serious tone.  "The King knows of
his obsession.  Bram has become the King's Angel of Death. 
Denise was one of those deaths."

	"Bram told me if a death is sanctioned it is because a rule was
broken.  What rule did Denise break?"

	"None."

	"Huh?"

	"The King didn't like her, neither did SIR Bram.  So he simply
killed her.  The King never told him to.  He did it on his own. 
How's that for chivalry?"

	"No, I can't believe that."

	"Believe what you will, it's the truth."  He finally took me by
my good elbow and helped me to my feet.  "Now go to the doctor
and have him fix that arm."



	I knew I must look like shit, I felt like it too.  Silently, as
I knew no one would speak to me, I moved through the crowds and
slid onto a bed.  I sat there with my feet swinging waiting for
someone to realize I was there and come help me.  I was staring
down at my feet when I heard an exclamation.  "Oh Damn!  Toni
what have you gotten yourself into now?  Carey, get the
anesthetic from the cabinet, we'll probably need some splints
too."  It was Doctor Wendel and he was coming my way.  He
reached me and started to lift my chin to get a look at me until
I yelped slightly.  I hadn't realized the beating I had taken
over the last week.  "Let me guess, Keir?"  I could only nod. 
"What'd you do to deserve this?" 

	I wasn't sure I should answer him.  Mostly, I didn't like the
insinuation that I brought this upon myself.  Keir was the one
at fault, not I. 

	It didn't take him long to reduce the swelling and set my wrist
in a splint, but not fast enough to get me looking normal again
before Lacey walked in.  "Oh my God!  What happened to you?"  I
looked away from her.  Now she's talking to me!  I couldn't talk
to her.  Keir would only send me right back here and I probably
wouldn't be able to talk at all.  "Toni?" 

	"I can't talk, remember?" 

	"Yes, but this is not right.  Doctor can't you see that
something is wrong with this?  I thought he was only supposed to
isolate her.  If he's beating her-"

	"Calm down girl.  People come in with bruises and broken arms
all the time.  I'm sure there is a perfectly good reason for
this."

	"I've never seen her this bad.  We should take this to the
King."

	"Lacey-"  I started but Dr. Wendel was already going.

	"Do you think he doesn't already know about this?"

	"Why would the King even care?"  I asked.

	"Because of the-"

	"The King doesn't care about you personally."  Dr. Wendel said
hurriedly over Lacey.  "He does want to know when the slaves are
mistreated."

	Lacey looked at him queerly but said nothing.  I was about to
ask what that was all about when Lacey said.  "He should care
when she gets a broken arm for just calling Bram's name."

	"How did you know that?"  I asked.  No matter how good the
gossip was here it couldn't have spread that quickly.

	"Lacey!"  The doctor warned her.  Why?

	"What's going on?"

	"Nothing, she was just leaving."

	"No wait."  I wanted to ask her about Bram.  The Doctor had
already ushered her out of the infirmary.  When he returned I
decided to ask him.

	"Where's Bram?"

	"So do you have any other things I should fix while I'm at it? 
Bite wounds..."

	"Where's Bram?"

	He avoided my gaze.  "I don't know."

	"Is it true?"

	"What?"

	He knew everything else that happened tonight I assumed he knew
of Keir's accusation as well.  It was difficult for me to put it
in words.  "Has he... that is... how many?"

	"How many what?"

	"People."

	"I'm afraid I don't understand."

	"How many killed?"

	It took another moment for my disjointed words to come together
in his mind.  When they finally did, the look of understanding
passed over him.  Then just as quickly, he turned to stone
again.  "I'm afraid I'm not at liberty to discuss that."

	"But he has killed?"

	"Antoniette you know you should not be asking these questions."

	"Just answer one of them please."  I reached to take hold of
him when he began to move away.

	"Do not use that arm too much.  You may return to Keir now. 
Please do not do anything that might upset him and damage your
arm further."

	Well, that was that.  I left the infirmary with nothing more
than I started with.

	I knew this was the break Keir was looking for I had disobeyed
him again by talking to them.  I walked slowly hoping to delay
his wrath.  Besides, my mind was preoccupied.  I needed to
straighten out what little facts I had.

	None of it made any sense.  Not what Keir said, nor Dr. Wendel
and especially not Lacey.

	I debated going to her and asking her to clarify.  She would no
doubt be helpful however it wasn't worth putting me in a worse
position when I returned to Keir.

	It was then as I was passing a slave, I don't think I ever knew
which one, when someone shoved something in my hand.  I stopped
and examined it.  There were two words on it: "Ask Bram."  Well
duh!  Didn't they think I would if I could.  I looked around but
there was no one obvious who could have handed it to me.  I
could have sworn I saw a wisp of blonde hair quickly floating
around the corner though.  Could it have been Lacey?  

	What exactly was I supposed to ask anyway?  Wouldn't he just
lie to me?

	Probably.  It's extremely probable that every word he's ever
uttered has been a lie.  No, there have been times that I could
feel it was the truth, not just a gut feeling but a feeling as
if everything was right, there was no doubt.

	What if it were true?  There really isn't anything I can do
about it.

	I could think of a hundred reasons not to ask him.  A broken
arm isn't anything compared to what would happen to me if Keir
found out I did contact him.  It didn't really hit me until much
later that there was only one real reason: I didn't want to
know.  I didn't want to accept that the man I loved was a
killer, especially after I exonerated him from Lowell's death.

	The thing was even with all of these excuses I had a strong
urge to know the truth.  My curiosity was sure to be my death.

	Remember when I said I learn fast and adapt well.  I wasn't
lying.  Sure it doesn't look like I was now, but each time I
disobeyed, each time I did anything to piss Keir off I was
testing my limits.  Knowing full well I'd probably be blocked I
figured I'd try it anyway.  First though, I needed to be
somewhere I wouldn't be distracted.  So I headed for the closet.

	Ah yes, my home away from home.  I couldn't believe that I
missed this cramped little dark place.  Even more, I couldn't
believe that I wanted to isolate myself in here after the time
alone I've spent with Keir.  However, I needed privacy and no
distractions when I try to make a connection to Bram so here I
sat.

	It was far easier than I anticipated.  After all I was
expecting to be blocked.  In hindsight I suppose all the times I
was blocked was only making me stronger as I tried more
vigorously each time to reach him.  So at this time I burst
through with no resistance.

	I couldn't see through his eyes, at least if I was everything
was dark around him, so it wasn't much use trying to figure out
where he was or what he was doing.  The only indication that I
had touched his mind was the familiar feeling of his presence.

	No pretense, no hesitation I asked "Is it true?"  I asked it
but at the same time I could feel more than see things happening
around me.  It's difficult to explain.  There were people, a
multitude of voices, music, machinery and wildlife.  It happened
not all at once but not separated.  Sometimes my stomach would
reel with a familiar feeling of a hunger being fed.  I wafted
through all this until I found myself in a somewhat familiar
place.  It was darker, not as detailed as before but it was that
cottage from my dream.  I found Bram on the couch leaning over
the same man.  "Bram?"  

	He rose off the sofa and approached me.  There was no blood and
the room withdrew out of sight.

	"Did you...?"

	He looked at me as if he were concerned for me.  Not for
himself as he should have been; being caught in the act.  He
acted as if I had been wounded and perhaps I had.  It WAS true. 
I could feel it.

	Slowly Bram nodded and gestured back towards the man.  "This
man's name is Donovan and yes I would have killed him had you
not stopped me earlier."

	"Why?"

	He found this harder to answer.  "Why does a gambler still bet
on a horse after he's gone bankrupt and knows he has a problem? 
It is like an addiction."

	"An addiction?  Other vampires drink blood all the time and
they don't kill!"  I snapped.

	"True.  I can not expect you to understand the nature of a
thing that you have never experienced."

	What kind of lame cop-out was that?  "One addiction is the same
as any other at the core.  It can be overcome."

	"It's not like alcohol abuse there is no twelve step program to
cure me.  Do you think I haven't tried to stop?  I have avoided
people beside yourself to stop myself?  The King tried to cure
me.  We've all tried so hard."

	"Then it's like a disease right?"

	"Not exactly."

	"Help me to understand."  

	I felt warm, comforted.  He was avoiding it by trying to soothe
me.  "Stop!"  I moved away from this isolated part of his mind
and went looking for the answers myself.  The flashes of memory
I saw when I first arrived must have some answers.  I stopped
when I saw her.  Denise stood across the room.  She looked at me
and walked with a swing in her hips.  I realized I was seeing
this through Bram's eyes.  There was muffled sound, music
playing low enough that you couldn't understand the words and
people speaking around me.  Some danced in my peripheral vision.
 I only really saw her and I hungered.  In some ways she
reminded Bram of me, her hair, the shape of her face.  The taste
of her would be sweet and satisfying.

	I took her hand and waltzed her around the floor.  I leaned
down to her.  She thought I was going to kiss her.  I did brush
my lips against hers.  It wasn't what I wanted, what I needed. 
I fingered her neckline and she bent her head willingly.  She
wanted it as much as I did.  I could feel a change going through
my- Bram's body.  I can't explain it other than it was preparing
itself to receive the blood.  My teeth were the most notable
change.  My canines slid from their recess so that they were
long enough to make the initial break in her skin making it
easier for the rest to slice into the vein.  So they did.  Her
skin was soft and broke easily under the pressure.  The blood
flowed.  It flowed and everything stopped.  My feet, the music
the people, only the blood moved.  It kept coming and I kept
sucking on it.  I was right it was sweet.

	I could feel her getting heavier in my arms she had lost
consciousness.  Her heart was slowing.  It was getting harder to
bring the blood to that portion of the body and so I sucked hard
on the vein.  I knew I had to stop.  I needed to let her go.  I
knew death was coming.  I knew what else was coming and I wanted
it.  That feeling that only came with death.  Bram knew this
feeling, it was only a concept to me, but I could feel the
anxiousness in him that was driving him and me to drink deeper. 
I couldn't stop it she was too close to death already.  I
couldn't stop.

	Then she was gone.  That was it.  She was no longer in my arms.
 The room had disappeared and only Bram was before me.  I looked
at my arms in amazement.  I still felt the need, the desire to
take something more from her.  But what was it?  Not blood.  I
looked up to him pleading.  I needed to see the rest.

	"It is best if you don't.  For all of us."

	"Bram, what is it?  What drove you so far that you couldn't
stop?"

	He shook his head.  "I can't tell you."

	Somehow I was willing to accept that answer.  "Keir says you
killed Denise because you did not like her."

	"No, it was an accident.  You saw that."

	"I wouldn't call that an accident."  However, I know he
believes that not being able to stop was so I let it go.  "How
do I know your memory was not altered somehow?"

	"Why would it be?  Keir's view is slightly skewed, like it was
with Lowell.  He doubts my control, for good reason.  He was not
lying, just mistaken.  The only way he, or you, could understand
is to experience it."

	"How can you be so calm about this?  You're a killer!  You
drink knowing you might kill."

	"Because it is natural."

	"I swear if you say it's because you're a vampire I'll leave."

	"No, it is because I have lived for 1400 years.  That much
experience does have a tendency to desensitize a person.  Not
desensitized to murder, that can not be done.  It is no longer
murder it is survival.  I know what I do is not right.  I do
what I can to avoid it.  Generally I try not to drink from
innocents for that very reason."

	"Damn Bram, that's so cliché.  I've heard stories of people
saying if they were vampires they wouldn't hurt the innocent. 
So you what go to prisons and ask to see an inmate?  'Gee
officer I don't know what happened he was fine when he came in
here then got all weak.'"  I imitated.

	"No of course not.  I'm not going to pretend that there are no
innocents.  Denise was one.  There are those that are more cruel
than others.  I have taken from all kinds; wife beaters,
homeless, people who wish to die."

	"So you're doing them a service?  How noble of you."

	"Toni please..."

	"How many?"

	"I don't know."

	"Oh come on.  Just the flashes of memory I've seen is enough to
tell me you do.  You've explained to me about the improved
memory that comes with the blood in your veins.  How many have
you killed?  How many were innocents?"

	He faded away.  At first I thought he was severing the
connection until the first one hit me.  It was like a slap in
the face and my heart stopped for a beat.  There was a woman
dressed in a business suit, then a man in sweats jogging.  One
after another they went by I could taste the slightly different
metallic taste of their blood.  I saw a teenager on a bus and an
old man living in a box under a bridge looked up to me with
pleading eyes.  One in particular shocked me, Dr. Wendel stooped
over a collapsed body crying.  It wrenched at my gut.  Was that
how Bram felt or was it just me?

	Hundreds, thousands of people passed before my eyes and Bram's
words rang in my head.  "I remember every one.  I have not
counted them, but I do remember.  Some days I lay awake and
their faces haunt me."

	I felt a sadness unlike any I have ever felt.  These people all
died for nothing.  No.  It was for something they gave their
lifeblood so that one man could continue to live.  Was his life
so important that he felt justified to kill?  I began to weep. 
It wasn't until I tried to wipe the tears away that I realized I
was back in the closet alone and with a heavy heart.    



	I entered the door in complete stupor at what I saw and heard. 
Keir hadn't noticed my entrance.  In fact a pack of wild
bandicoots could be running around the room and he wouldn't
notice.  He was entranced in a lovely dirge.  My ears filled
with the sweet sounds of the lyre he plucked.  Unintentionally
my eyes filled with tears.  It was amazing that something so
beautifully sad could come out of Keir.



"From me you've turned away

Sad Sophia.

Where have you gone?

I've lost you now.

Won't you come back one day?



"Now comes dawn.

You've no idea

How hard it is to see

With my furrowed brow

That I must go on.



"Sophia my lovely.

You are like Gia.

Cure me of all evil.

Won't you show me how

To bring you back to me?"



	He put down the instrument.  "Did you get the answers you were
looking for?"  He asked.  Of course he knew.

	I so wanted to avoid the issue.  "What were you singing?"

	"I asked you a question."

	I looked anywhere except at him.  "No."

	"Perhaps in the future you will not doubt me.  Now come, sit." 
He pointed at my chair.

	Like a good girl, I sat.  I tried again to get his mind off my
faux pas.  "Who's Sophia?"

	"Did I give you permission to speak?"  

	"No."

	"Then why did you?"

	"I thought-"

	"Did I give you permission to think?"

	"No."

	"Then why did you?"

	Hmm, did I have permission now to think?  "It's just the song
sounded so doleful as if she were someone you really missed."

	"It is just a song."  He snapped.

	"Now, to deal with your punishment."  Punishment?  For what?  I
almost blurted this before I remembered he had just admonished
me for thinking without permission.  "For not returning directly
after seeing the doctor."

	Oh, that.  Here I thought he had purposely allowed me to
contact Bram so that he could gloat about being right.  With my
newly mended arm I was sure he wouldn't do me any physical harm.
 Still I was completely unprepared for what came next.  He
dropped a pad of paper in my lap.  "I want you to write 'I will
not disobey Keir.' until that pad is full."  He then rebuked me
before I could even think it, "You must write in your normal
size."

	Damn.  Now this was a real punishment.  As I writer, I wouldn't
have minded had he told me to write an essay on what I did
wrong, even if it needed to fill up the pad.  At least that way
I would be a little creative.  No, this was torture.  Writing
the same thing over and over again was boring and eventually
cramped up my hand so badly I felt I might need another trip to
the infirmary.



	Time went by slowly.  We did indeed begin from the start.  He
berated me, didn't allow me to do anything except breathe
without permission.  There was no laptop, no food save for a few
morsels and I was lucky if I was allowed a pillow on the floor. 
This is the first time that I learned that knowledge could be
used as a torture device.  For nothing Keir could do would hurt
me as much as finding out the truth about Bram.  I wept when I
thought Keir wasn't paying attention.  When I slept it was not
an easy sleep.  I kept seeing the faces Bram showed me, those
dead and dying eyes.  It was pure horror.

	Nothing Keir could do would match that.  I adjusted to Keir's
rules much quicker than the first time.  If I even thought of
questioning him all he'd have to say is "No."  That'd be enough
to put the thought out of my head.  

	Despite me being "good" I wasn't allowed many luxuries like I
was getting.  Keir felt that was a weakness on his part before.

	I still thought of Bram every day.  It was different now.  He
was a murderer.  I kept thinking back to when I learned of
Denise's death.  When I confronted him, he practically told me
of this problem.  I just refused to listen.

	It didn't change much.  He wasn't just a one off killer like
Kama.  He was a serial killer.  Of course, I didn't really know
that Lowell was the only one Kama had ever killed.  It wasn't
fair, everyone I thought I could trust here turned out to be
killers.  Okay, I suppose Al and Lacey weren't but what
difference does that make.  The man I had fallen in love with
was.  

	Keir tortured me by reminding me of this every day.  Sometimes
he spoke seriously about it, reminding me that he would not kill
me.  Other times he taunted me right as I would be falling
asleep he'd say, "Good night, don't let the Bram bug bite."

	Keir typically falls asleep quickly and easily.  I do too but
there are times that I could lie awake for an hour or more
trying to get comfortable on the cold floor.  Meanwhile, Keir
lies on the soft mattress and flips over.  "It's not a fly
swatter."  He often mumbled strange things in his sleep.

	I had to laugh softly.  This was about the only time Keir
allowed such a small pleasure.  

	This particular night I wasn't falling asleep too well.  Keir
hadn't mentioned Bram before falling asleep but he was on my
mind.  I would see him and try to imagine him as I had known
him, kind, cuddly and laughing, not as he was now.  It didn't
work.  As I was letting go, those sharp teeth came biting down.

	I did finally fall asleep.  Even in my convoluted dreams I
couldn't escape the reach of the vampires.

	I wasn't me.  I was in an old country in another time. 
Everything around me was made of or covered in silky fabric.  

	Not everything, there were cards.  They fell one at a time onto
the red tablecloth.  I knew these cards.  I understood their
placement and I feared what it meant.

	I looked down at the last card to fall.  It was the most
ominous and it told what is yet to unfold.  It was the hanged
man.  

	I walked down the dark cobblestone street.  I pondered the
meaning of the cards.  It came to me as I watched the clouds
pass over the half moon.  I must find him and I must destroy him.

	Next I found myself surrounded by many two and three story
buildings.  The street was a bustle with activity.  The sun had
only been up for thirty minutes or so but I knew it was time to
strike.  I entered one of the smaller buildings.  Sunlight was
barely visible through the wood slats of the roof.  Otherwise it
was pitch black.

	I came to an empty room save for a coffin in the center.  I ran
my hand along its cold surface then looked to the ceiling.  I
went outside found an ax and climbed the roof.  I chopped at the
boards until there was a large hole through which I could see
the coffin fully lit.

	Inside again, with a piece of the wood that I would use as a
stake I threw open the coffin lid.  My stake poised to strike
yet there was nothing there for it to fall upon.

	Something grabbed me from behind and dragged me into another
room.  A horrible blistered face appeared before me.  I screamed
as its sharp teeth snapped before my eyes.  They contrasted with
his black skin.  His strong hand ripped the stake from mine. 
The stake plunged downward just as other faces began coming down
out of the clouds: Keir's, the Queen's and finally the King's.

	They dove at us and we fended them off as best we could. 
People on horseback scattered throughout the trees.  Some stood
their ground, waving swords, then fell.  I ducked behind my
shield.  When I looked up again everything was gone only
laughter remained.  



	Keir found me huddled in a corner.  I felt the evil all around
me.  The vampires would eventually kill me, in the meantime they
would do what they could to torment me.  He came towards me and
I shrunk as much as I could.  He was not threatening then but I
had been violated by him enough to know it was just a charade.

	He squatted down to examine me.  "Are you all right?"

	What a stupid question!  Of course I wasn't I was surrounded by
monsters.  I expected the King and others to come pouncing out
of the ceiling at any moment.  Strangely I could feel he was
worried for me.  Not wanting to upset him I nodded and said,
"Yes."

	He looked deeply at me and my mind grew cloudy.  He didn't seem
as menacing just then.  He was trying to help.  Yes, just trying
to help.

	Huh?  Keir help?  No, this was wrong.  He was commanding my
mind.  It wasn't enough for him to instill fear in me he had to
control me as well.

	It could have been the fear of what he would do to me once
under his power or it could have been my anger at his intrusion.
 Either way I didn't want him in my head.  So I pushed at him. 
It wasn't at all like when I shoved Heremon away from me.  It
was like shouldering a large boulder.  With enough pressure and
persistence it would begin to slide.  With inertia it would roll
away faster and faster.  

	The fog started to lift and I dared to make eye contact with
him.  I didn't push my luck by going any further.  "Please don't
do that."

	"I told you before that you have no reason to fear me.  You can
feel secure in your mind as well."  He stood, towering over me. 
"Now get up and fix us breakfast."

	I was confused.  Did he let me do that to make me feel
confident against him thus provoking me to act out?  I didn't
think this was so.  The look on his face at my initial
resistance was surprise.  Even now he acted tentative when I
looked at him, as if I would attempt an attack on his mind.

	After I had fixed breakfast and ironed his clothes he took his
leave of me.  An indeterminate time later, for I no longer kept
track, I sat contemplating one of Keir's wood totems when my
stomach locked up.  I got warm and I knew something was up.  No,
it was nothing like when I could not control my intestines. 
This was a familiar feeling that I got whenever Keir was around.
 I swiveled in the chair so I faced the door.  I was silent
awaiting what would come. 

	Keir was on his way and he wasn't in a good mood.  I may not be
able to connect with him like I can Bram, but I learned very
quickly how to perceive his bad moods.  They preceded him like
wind to a tornado.  The door blew open almost off its hinges. 
This made me shrink back and want to run for the hills. 

	I sat silently quivering as the hulking black mass that was
Keir stood in the doorway.  "Leave."  He grumbled. 

	I wasn't going to hesitate.  "Yes, Keir."  I practically ran
for the door.  Even though he was blocking it I would have
wormed my way around him. 

	He stopped me with a hand.  "Do not come back unless I bid
you." 

	This made me pause.  What did it mean?  He hadn't ever told me
not to come back.  I wasn't about to argue.  I muttered "Yes,
Keir." again and this time did manage to wiggle between him and
the door. 

	Half way down the hall in a full run I almost crashed into
Mistress Kama.  "Where are you going in such a hurry?"  She had
stopped me after she stepped out of the way. 

	"Keir- he... told me... to leave."  I backed away from her,
fearing she would punish me for running away.

	"Yes I know dear." 

	"You...  How?  How do you know?"  I shook my head, stupid
question. 

	"Actually, it's a valid question, I know because we told him
to." 

	"You?  Why?"  Apparently I've been shocked into speaking in
single syllables. 

	"Because this has gone on long enough.  I believe you've
learned your lesson."  I became sullen it was certain I had. 
"Now, go, play." 

	I was confused, frightened, and joyous all at once.  I didn't
know what to say so I blurted, "Yes ma'am.  Thank you Mistress." 

	Off I went.  I fled making my way through the corridors every
which way.  I didn't know where I was going, I just was.  I was
free and flying. 

	Hall intersections went by at the speed of light.  Garbled
complaints hurled at me as I nearly ran a couple of people down.
 I didn't care.  I didn't have to be with Keir anymore. 

	I wasn't thinking either, not one thing.  I didn't know where I
was running.  I didn't think about going to see Bram or going to
the slave court.  I just ran. 

	My feet carried me on through endless halls and no one stopped
me.  Vampires were sure to move out of my way before I reached
them.  Funny though, I hadn't noticed one of the slaves around
for a few minutes and the corridors were getting emptier.  The
intersections were fewer and farther between. 

	These strange things only tingled at the back of my mind I
didn't heed them.  I didn't even slow down until I saw a
solitary figure standing in the middle of the hall.  He was
right in my path and didn't look as if he were going to budge. 
I could have skirted around him I somehow knew he wouldn't allow
that.  I slowed to a walk.  As I approached, he stiffened.  It
wasn't until I was within three feet of him that he spoke. 
"Turn around.  You are not allowed down here."  I was going to
question him, I really wanted to, but he shoved a finger in
front of my nose and gruffly took hold of my shoulder.  "Go." 

	So I went.  I didn't go so fast this time that I didn't take
note of where I was.  The first thing I noticed was how dark it
was down here.  The air was chilly, probably around 55 degrees
Fahrenheit.  The second thing was the corridors were not shaped
the same as above.  These were round and were definitely carved
out of the stone.  There was no plaster to hide that we were
underground.  Lastly, there were pipes running along the
ceiling. 

	They probably just carried air and water and maybe some wiring.
 Something told me that wasn't all.  As I walked, I watched
these pipes.  At an intersection I had a clue as to what they
were.  There were arrows indicating flow and one did have the
word water written on it.  However, two had a strange symbol on
them.  I had seen this symbol before. 

	It took me a while to collect my memory as to the origin of the
familiarity.  I think my mind was trying to block out the
experience.  For as I soon recalled it was not a happy one.  I
associated the symbol with anger for some reason and soon I
realized I had been very angry when I saw it, mostly at myself. 
First, for getting myself in a stupid situation, then for
allowing myself to be stupid enough to make it worse. 

	I had been in an empty section of the complex looking for a
connection to the Internet.  Which I should have known I would
not find.  I had hit a pipe out of frustration.  That pipe
started spewing a deadly gas.  That pipe also had the same
symbol upon it that these did. 

	I examined the pipes.  There was nothing special about them. 
They were metal, probably steel, and ran in the direction that I
had just come from.  I decided to follow these and see if I
could find their origin/destination. 

	Straight for what seemed like miles then a left and a few
hundred yards later a right and finally another left.  I stood
staring at a blank wall.  The pipes went straight through it. 
Suddenly I realized there was a mechanical humming in the air. 
I leaned my ear against the wall and it grew louder.  If there
were machines, there must be a way to get in there to maintain
them. 

	Curious I retraced my steps back to the main hall.  I went left
and realized I didn't hear or feel the humming anymore.  So I
turned around and imperceptibly it grew louder until it was a
constant hum.  I followed the wall to the next intersection and
turned the corner.  I kept my hand on the wall just to make sure
my ears weren't deceiving me. 

	I reached another intersection and there was still no inlet.  I
turned the corner again and noticed a slight recess up ahead in
the wall.  I walked to it and found a door with no handles, no
keypad, nothing but a small window.  Standing on my tiptoes I
could barely make out the dim red glowing screen not too far
inside.  It read; "All clear."  What could that mean?  The
little bit of light that it shone on the room revealed what
could have been pumps. 

	I moved back onto my flat feet and thought.  What could it all
mean?  Why would the vampires want to generate toxic gas?  Was
this room generating it or distributing it? 

	"Damn Toni you know better than this!"  I admonished myself.  I
shouldn't be getting myself involved in something that's none of
my business.  After the mess with Lowell and just being freed of
Keir's punishment I shouldn't have any wish to do anything but
what I'm told. 

	"Damn."  I muttered.  I couldn't let this get me down.  I was
free of Keir's tyranny.  I could do anything I wanted, right? 

	"Within reason."  A voice said. 

	I turned on my heels.  There was no one there.  I swiveled
back.  Still no one.  I was alone in the dim hall.  They were
still monitoring my thoughts.  They knew I was here.  Did they
lead me here?  Did they want me to see this? 

	There was no answer. 

	I tried for fifteen frustratingly unsuccessful minutes to find
a way into the room to see if my answers were in there.  Alas
there was no way in.  I leaned against the concrete wall and let
its coolness soothe me. 

	I began my long journey back to the slave court.  That is, if I
could find my way there.  Was I lost in this labyrinth?  Was
that the real reason someone had lead me there?  Had I not
really been released from my punishment?  Had they intentionally
lead me to an area where I would never see another person and
die of starvation?

	I slid onto the floor.  It was probably for the best.  There
really was no reason for me to go back.  The slaves would
ridicule me for needing to be isolated in the first place.  The
vampires would do what they do best.  I would only be miserable.

	No, I mustn't despair.  The old adage came to mind; life is
only what you make it.  It is my life and if I wish to die I
will go out on my own terms, these vampires could not control
that.  I will not die alone here on the floor.  If they wish me
to die I will find my own way.  That is if I could find my way
back.

	I stood determined to find my way out.  I was unaware at this
time that I was taking my first steps on a longer journey to my
freedom.

	I followed corridors that looked familiar, though they all
looked alike until I found some stairs.  I trudged up those for
I only knew I had to go up.  	

	Somehow much later miraculously I found my way back to familiar
hallways and the first place I distinguished from all of the
similar hallways was the gym.  I was so elated to see something
I recognized, that I wouldn't be lost forever.  I ran for the
pool and jumped in fully clothed.  I swam, whooped and hollered.
 I dove underwater and popped back up like a dolphin.  The water
seeped into my very core.  It relaxed my muscles and chilled me,
tensing them again, when I came up for air.  I splashed about. 
Anyone who came near the pool I attacked with as much water as I
could slosh their way.  I spun, took water in to fill my cheeks
and spouted it out, the chlorine lingered in my mouth but I
didn't care.

	I went under for another large gulp of water.  In my excitement
I tried to breathe in at the same time.  I started to panic as I
tried to cough up the water.

	I heard several splashes and soon felt several hands grabbing
at me.  "Calm down.  We've got you."  They dragged me out of the
pool with little resistance.  Someone patted on the back to get
the remainder of the water out.

	I sat with a small group of people around me.  Al, as wet as I,
tilted my head so he could look in my eyes.  "The Doctor will be
here in a moment.  I don't think you swallowed that much."  To
tell the truth other than a little burning in the lungs I felt
fine.  Well, except for the embarrassment of having all these
people fuss over something so stupid.  Dr. Hilltop arrived.  He
looked in my eyes as well and listened to my lungs then had me
use an inhaler.  Immediately I felt better.  He explained, "It's
a medicine we've developed that breaks up the water in your
lungs into atoms your red blood cells can absorb."  He went
through the motions of checking my vitals again.  "You'll be
fine."

	"Thanks Chris."  Al said for me.

	I was almost ready to get to my feet and go for another swim
when I heard Lacey say, "Toni, if you scare me like that again I
won't ever speak to you again."

	I did jump to my feet.  I ran to her grabbed her by the
shoulders and twirled her around.  "You're talking to me? 
You're really talking to me?"

	"I will if you stop doing that.  I'm dizzy."

	"No, you're ditzy."  I laughed glad to have my friend back.  I
hugged her with all my might.

	"Toni, you're getting me wet."  

	I let go of her and turned to Al.  He was already wet so I
figured it was okay.  I hugged him tighter than Lacey.  "Thank
you, thank you, thank you.  You were right they did let me go!" 
I started dancing him around.  He was not as timid as Lacey and
he spun me and even dipped me.  Whatever the doctor gave me was
great.  I didn't even get nauseous.  

	Al let me go and I bounced around more amidst their laughter
and glee.  I came to a sudden stop when I noticed a figure in
the doorway.  A man whom when I first laid eyes on him, standing
much the way he was now, was the most gorgeous wonderful thing
I'd ever seen.  Now, while he was still beautiful had much more
behind those deep dark eyes.  He held me in his gaze.  He didn't
laugh at my joviality.  He was full of melancholy.

	I slowly approached him.  I stopped a few feet away.  I
couldn't look him in the eye, so I stared at my feet.

	"I'm sorry."  Bram said softly.

	"I know."

	"Can we go somewhere private and talk?"

	I looked behind me to see everyone watching us.  Perhaps this
was best.  I didn't think being alone with him right then was a
good thing.  "I'd rather stay here."

	"Toni, what I have to say is not for other's to hear."

	I decided a compromise would be okay.  "Let's walk."  I was
going to make sure that we stayed in populated areas.

	"You're afraid to be alone with me."

	"It's that obvious?"

	"You love me."

	"I did once.  I'm not sure I do anymore."