Leaving the Light By: Christine Schnell

Chapter 36



	Life isn't a bowl of cherries, nectarines or any other fruit. 
Life is not like a box of chocolates, though I often wish it
were.  No, it's more like a handkerchief.  You have this nice
clean folded linen.  It gets yucky and sticky at times but for
the most part it's clean.  Then you put it in someone else's
hands for just a few minutes and they get it gunked up and you
can never get those stains out.  I had lent mine to the vampires
and now it had blood all over it.  There was no way for me to
get it out just as there was no way for me to get out of this
cage.

	I should have known I was never out of their grasp.  All at
once it hit me, how could I have been so stupid?  The Sheriff
had lied to me and I fell for it.  "He's been in contact with
you hasn't he?"  The Sheriff gave me an inquisiting look.  "The
King, he told you to hold me here didn't he?  You're just
fooling yourself if you think helping him capture me will keep
them from hurting anyone else."  The Sheriff had turned his back
on me.  He didn't want to listen and I didn't see an immediate
way out of the cell so I sat back down.  He didn't even know it
did he?  He didn't know they manipulated him.

	I watched the sun slowly climb the sky.  I realized I may never
watch that event again.  A little later a thought struck me. 
"Did he tell you to send Al to him too?" 

	"Al?"  The Sheriff obviously didn't remember the man who was
probably one of a hundred the Sheriff sent the vampires' way.

	"An older gentleman who was searching for his daughter, about
12 years ago."

	"He did wind up going?"  The Sheriff seemed to remember now and
he grew sad as he recollected it.  "I had adamantly warned him
not to go, even had old Bill watch out for him.  I thought our
warnings had scared him away.  I guess it wasn't enough."  He
grew silent again and I gave up again, I guess I would just have
to wait until dusk.  

	He slowly walked back to my jail cell after about an hour.  I
almost thought he was going to open the door.  "You know if it
were up to me, I'd book you on the next plane out of the state,
but you don't realize the control they have over me and this
town."

	"I'm beginning to."  I said wearily.

	"No one's ever escaped them before, let alone kill one to my
knowledge.  It's a great feat you should be proud."

	"I'd be even prouder had I actually escaped."

	"My daughter never even tried."  He said sadly as he gripped
the bars.

	"Is she still there?"  I asked.  "Perhaps I know her, I could
give her a message."

	He shook his head.  "No need, they let her visit every now and
then, though she hasn't for a few years.  I think she doesn't
want to leave them.  No Lacey's quite happy there." 

	"Lacey?!"  Why that little brat, she never told me she could
leave anytime.  

	He glanced up at me.  "You know her?"

	I did know her indeed and yes she was happy.  I wondered if he
knew why.  I wasn't going to be the one to tell him his daughter
enjoyed sleeping with vampires.  "She's got the bunk next to
mine.  We talk a lot."  Maybe I could befriend him and get him
to let me out of here.

	"Yes she does do a lot of that."  He sounded bitter.

	"She talks about you, though she had never told me you were the
sheriff of this town.  She says some very good things about you
and how much she misses you."  I got his attention.

	He moved a few bars closer and whispered.  "I know what you're
trying to do.  I appreciate it, but it's not going to work.  I'm
sorry."

	I shook my head.  "No, I'm sorry for you."

	His hands slid away from the bars and he began to leave for a
second he stopped thoughtfully.  "Tell her...  Tell her I love
her, and I miss her."

	I nodded.  "I will."  Then a thought struck me.  "Do you have a
CD of your favorite country music?"  He looked back strangely. 
"She's always talking about it, I thought maybe you could give
her something to listen to."  That is if I ever fix the jukebox.
 He nodded and went upstairs presumably to retrieve one.  

	He returned with several.  "I couldn't remember which she liked
the best." 

	I took them all.  I'd probably be lucky to be able to give them
to her, but it is a good gesture.  I started to turn so I could
sit.  He kept talking in a low tone so that I had to stay close
to him.  "She didn't even say good-bye when she left the last
time.  I don't think she's ever coming home." 

	Perhaps there was hope yet.  "You know if I could get out of
town and get help we could free the slaves.  You could see Lacey
again."

	The brim of his hat pushed against the bars covering his face. 
"It's no use.  They'd kill her and all of us before you
returned."

	He was right.  I looked over the CDs trying to think of
something to say.  Patsy Cline, Kenny Rogers, Willie Nelson,
pretty old stuff.  "When was she taken?"  I didn't expect him to
answer.  After all it had to be a touchy subject since she never
broached it.

	"She was only a child."  He said in a soft voice.

	"Really?"  I couldn't imagine a kid running around the slave
court.  It did explain a lot about her though.  

	"They killed my wife then took her hostage when I wouldn't
cooperate."

	"Cooperate?"

	"When I replaced the last sheriff, they insisted that I work
for them.  They wanted me to keep them a secret and give them
the goods they need.  I refused."

	"So they forced you to."

	He nodded.  "Not all at once though.  They tried bribing me. 
They made empty threats about exposing me as a corrupt official.
 It was only after I made an inquiry with the FBI that they
attacked.  They killed my wife that night and let me know in no
uncertain terms that if I did anything else like that it would
be my daughter next."

	I could figure out the rest.  He was pissed at their action and
tried to get someone to help him.  So they retaliated.  "Why
didn't they just kill her?"

	"I think partially because they are not that cruel and
partially because they were more cruel than I could imagine."

	"Huh?"

	"They knew if she died I had nothing else they could hold
against me.  So by taking her away from me they could control
me.  They let me see her every now and then to prove to me that
she was still alive."

	"That must have been hard on you."

	"She was all I had left.  It was torture watching her be raised
by them.  They turned her against me.  She won't ever fight
them.  She has become a slut and a coward... and so have I in my
own way."

	If I had met him right after being kidnapped myself, I would
have agreed.  I know her better now and could defend her. 
"That's not true.  I think if she believed she could get away
she would try too.  Yes, she has grown to accept her place
there, but she knows the futility of trying to escape.  She
tried to convince me of it, but I wouldn't believe her."

	"And now, here you are, because I'm to chicken to let you go."

	I reached out and took his hand.  "I don't think it's your
fault.  They've pitted you against each other.  I'm sure she
believes that if she tried to escape you'd be in danger if she
stayed here, but at the same time she couldn't leave you."

	"Thank you for trying, but I know it's not true.  I wouldn't be
surprised if she became one of them one day."  Truthfully
neither would I, but I did not want to tell him that.  "Please
don't tell her I've given up hope."

	"There is always hope."  The words came to me without thought.

	He looked at me quizzically and I watched his face drop.  "I'm
afraid not."

***

	Have I ever mentioned I hated waiting.  It was the worst thing
in the world for me.  Growing up in an area surrounded by
amusement parks can do that to a person.  The anticipation of a
two minute ride for more than two hours was at times unbearable.
 While waiting in lines was horrible, waiting to learn my fate
was even worse.  I tried to start a conversation with the
Sheriff a couple more times to no avail.  I think he didn't want
to have a friendly rapport with me.

	The sun started to set and I felt a chill run over me.  It
wasn't because the temperature had gone down.  My body began to
spasm involuntarily.  I was afraid.  The only other time I felt
this way was when Keir had first raped me.  Somehow I knew it
would be him to come for me tonight.  What would he do?  He
wouldn't be kind and gentle that was for sure.  I doubted I'd
get off with something as nice as eating something that would
disrupt my digestive system for days.

	Would I be killed right away, or would it take hours?  I
huddled into a ball as much as I could.  I had escaped to avoid
that sort of thing and now I had brought it upon myself.  A wave
of panic washed over me.  I couldn't let them take me back.  I
wouldn't live like that.  I couldn't.  "Sheriff."  I peeked over
my knees to call to him.  He didn't answer.  "Sheriff, please." 
He didn't even look my way.  "I'm begging you.  Don't let them
take me.  Kill me.  It's my only way out.  Please."  He did look
now.  His eyes were red.  Had he been crying?  Still he didn't
say a thing.  "Give me your gun.  Anything.  Please!"

	The door in the front lobby creaked open.  It was too late.

	I had a clear view of the door.  I was right.  Keir lead two
other vampires into the room. The Sheriff greeted them and he
didn't look all that happy to be giving me back to them.  

	He handed my sword to Keir.  I watched as Keir looked at it
interestingly, almost as if he recognized it.  I had a fear at
that moment that I had gotten Bram in trouble for aiding and
abetting.  The Sheriff pointed my way and handed his keys to
Keir.  They began to walk my way and I pretended to be very
interested in my hands.

	The door to my cell clanged open.  I looked up to see Heremon
and Jerib come into my cell looking all too serious.  "Hi guys."
 I stood with a sincere smile.  If I could lull them into a
false sense of security maybe I could rush past them.

	Nope.  Neither smiled as each grabbed one of my arms rather
roughly and dragged me off the bench.  Then Keir walked in.  He
was very upset.  No, he was more than upset he was pissed! 
Without a word he walked up to me and back handed me.  I thought
my head was going to fly off!  Without pause he slammed me in
the stomach twice.  The world was whirling about me.  One more
strike to the head and I was out cold.

***

	The room was dark, darker than night, more silent than a desert
too.  They secured my hands so I could feel nothing except the
shackles at my wrists and the dryness of my mouth.  I had long
ago become accustomed to not knowing whether it was day or night
or even what day it was, so that much didn't bother me now.  I
guess what bothered me the most was not knowing what was going
on the other side of that door.  What was the fate they were
divining for me, for my atrocious crime of trying to be free.

	I knew it would be sever.  There would be much pain and
suffering on my part, but they wouldn't kill me.  Being stuck in
the dark confirmed that they would never let me die.  That would
make me a martyr and they couldn't let that happen.  They would
humiliate me, degrade me, make the others despise me and let me
die a natural, detestable death years later.  That was if they
ever let me out of this room.

	It seemed like days before the door opened and the dim light
that came in felt like a nuclear blast burning my eye sockets. 
There was only one person in the doorway.  I could only see the
silhouette of the person.  That person released my shackles and
I fell promptly to the floor.  God it hurt!  I didn't realize
how much my body stretched in those things.  I went from
deprivation to total awareness.  Every inch of my body hurt,
even my hair!  I felt like retching but there was nothing in me
to let loose so I settled for a coughing, hacking fit.  Before I
knew it and was able to get my orientation I was grabbed by the
nape of my neck like a naughty puppy.  They dragged out into
more light.  I couldn't shade my eyes, my arms were too weak, so
I just closed them as tight as I could.  It didn't help.

	It wasn't a long haul and I could hear voices all around me
even as I left my dark room.  I knew I was in a crowd.  So they
were to make this a public event.  What was it that they were
going to do to me?  That was the eternal question, after all I
had been asking it ever since I was kidnapped and I had a
feeling I would be asking it for the rest of my life.  This was
only one event in hundreds.

	I was shackled again, and my eyes had somewhat adjusted to the
light.  The ache eased as I was put back into the position my
body had become familiar with.  Well, that was until they pulled
the shackles just a little more and stretched my body out more
than I thought possible.  A whole new set of misery shot through
my body.  I couldn't scream.  Between the tightness of the ropes
stretching the muscles across my larynx and the dryness of my
throat I could hardly even whimper.  Lord I must have looked
pitiful!  The strong willed, opinionated, young woman that I
was, once large and intimidating, now meek and withering.  My
life was no longer what it had once been.  I had dreamed of
being skinny once, of having adventure and a love.  Well now I
had all three and I was paying for it dearly.

	The King's voice boomed over the crowd without aid of a
microphone.  "The prisoner has been found guilty-"  Found
guilty?  When was there a trial?  "of conspiracy against the
crown, attempted escape on three counts, attempted suicide on
twelve counts, one count of attempted murder and the murder of
Mackenzie"  Attempted murder?  I never attempted... no, wait I
guess he would count my stabbing Heremon as an attempted murder.
 "These acts are betrayal against our way of life and against
the King and his rule.  Antoniette Aloise has been found a
traitor to this clan and my rule.  It is the decision of this
court that she be sentenced to ten lashes and one month in
solitary confinement.  To be carried out immediately."  

	Only ten?  Ten lashes I believed I could handle.  As much as my
muscles were stretched they tensed even more in hearing that I
would be subjected to a full month of sensory depravation.  It
wasn't just me either the entire room began murmuring at the
King's sentence.  I and perhaps others noted death was not in my
future.  Yet I don't think any had expected that either.  They
knew what that would do to me, they could already see the effect
of what little time I had spent in there had done to me.  

	The King didn't seem to notice as he was giving instructions to
one of the vampires behind me.  Meanwhile, I tried to grow
stronger soaking in the feelings from the crowd.  Everyone was
there, slaves and vampires alike.  While I had made good friends
on both sides not everyone felt sorry for me.  They knew, as
well as I, that I deserved this.  I had ruined their own lives
by doing what I had done.  I had become selfish in my attempt to
be free.  I hadn't cared what would happen to the other slaves,
so long as I escaped, but now I was here, and so were they, and
life wasn't about to get any better.

	There was empathy there.  I searched out for the strongest
point and found Bram's eyes.  They locked on me, and I locked in
on him.  I saw something you don't see everyday in a vampire;
tears.  "Why?"  The word echoed in my head, in that one word
there were many questions.  Why are you letting them do this to
you?  Why am I letting them do it to you?  Why did you try to
escape?  Why did you want to leave me?  The last one hurt the
most.  I didn't want to leave him, but I didn't want to stay
either.  I was trapped between two worlds and it was tearing me
apart more than the shackles.	

	I felt so much emotion in him and myself.  He was angry and
afraid at the same time.  He wasn't angry at me.  I couldn't
make it out that well but I think he was angry at the King.  He
felt as restrained as I was.  Yet he remained strong and
encouraged me to be so as well.

	I was so entranced in Bram's gaze that it came as a complete
shock to my system when I heard the crack of the whip and the
blow came hard against my bare back.  Bare?  Yes, my skin over
my entire body was exposed.  How strange I don't remember when I
was stripped.  Stranger still was that this was the first
thought I had when struck.  It wasn't as if it wasn't painful,
but my mind had compensated by concentrating on something else. 
The blow itself was stronger than any I had ever felt.  There
was definitely a vampire's arm behind it.  Even Miss. Kama's
wasn't as strong, and this had nothing of the sensuality her
whip had.

	Yet this wasn't a quick strike as one would expect.  I could
feel the cold leather of the whip as it rested against my back. 
My stomach clenched.  For some reason my mind didn't compute
this as strange until it was ripped from me.  In a dozen or so
spots along my back I felt a small pressure at first and then a
pulling sensation until finally I heard my skin tear.  I felt
sick at the thought of it.  I could see it in my mind: a whip
covered in a hundred tiny thorns.  My mind's eye thought of them
as needles.  Bile blocked up my throat.  I tried to swallow but
couldn't.  These thorns became embedded in my skin working their
way under until forcefully removed.  I felt sick at the thought.
 My mind started to work as it was designed to under situations
of distress and I swooned.

	I wasn't allowed to go into a full faint.  One of the many
minds in the room made sure of that.  I believed that mind also
kept me focused on what was happening to me.  I found a new kind
of pain, and it ran in a long streak down my back.  I felt the
cool air on my now exposed wound and the blood trickling down my
back.  That mind enhanced the feeling of nausea that only
reminded me more what that whip must be doing to my back.  All
of this enhanced the pain that came with that first sharp blast,
like a thousand prickling needles running down my back.  I hate
needles!  My bowels turned to water.  They had certainly found
my weakness.  

	I had closed my eyes due to the pain.  I never wanted to open
them again.  A voice rang in my head.  "Look at me, don't take
your eyes from mine."  My eyes snapped open just as the second
explosion fell upon me crossing the streak of the first sending
a renewed anguish into that wound and a whole new one in other
areas.  But my eyes locked on his and somehow that made it just
a little easier when the whip rent from me again, though I now
had tears running down my face to match Bram's.  

	He was more focused than I had ever seen him before.  Those
eyes were so clear I could almost see the bottom of the ocean in
them.  The ocean began to boil with his fury.  I knew he wanted
nothing better than to come barreling through the crowd to my
rescue.  He didn't for the sole reason that he was being held
back from the same minds that even now were working to separate
us.  In that moment I wished for his killing instinct to come
out so that he could tear these people apart.  I knew that was
what he wanted too.  Alas we were both helpless in the hands and
thoughts of the vampires.

	It wasn't quite words, but he suggested to me to build a shield
against them.  It seemed to me that they would not be happy with
me resisting them while they were punishing me, but I had to do
something.  At first my defense was only a thin bubble.  It
wasn't anywhere strong enough to keep out the pain whether it
was physical or not.  The only thing Bram could do for me right
now was give me something to focus on.  This allowed me to build
up a little strength with which I started to build up a wall in
my mind. 

	Each time the whip fell a part of that wall crumbled.  Bram was
always there.  His eyes bored into me encouraging me to try
harder.  After the fourth snap of the whip, I was detaching
myself from my body.  I wouldn't let the pain get to me.  Mind
over matter, that was what I needed to accomplish.  After the
sixth the wall was nearly complete, my eyes never leaving
Bram's.  Now that I detached my mind it wandered a little and I
began to wonder at the self control of these people.  With all
the free flowing blood not one person moved to drink from me. 
The King had more power than I thought. 

	Something started happening now.  People started moving but not
towards me.  It was more of a shuffling.  Slowly at first almost
to where I didn't realize anything was happening.  Then I got
distracted away from Bram's eyes when the seventh stream of
blood burst from my back.  When I tried to reestablish contact
he was gone!  I searched the crowd as much as I could.  My mind
reached out to him screaming for him, "Where are you!?"  There
was no answer.

	My heart beat so hard I couldn't breathe.

	The eighth crack of the whip thundered in my ears and the
finely made wall came crashing down.

	All my senses came rushing back at me.  The murmurs of the
crowd, some disdainful very few were cries of anguish.  The
scent of my own blood wafted around me and I gagged.  Then just
on my periphery, I spotted the man who caused me this misery. 
The King had caught onto the fact that I was using Bram as
something to hold on to.  He must have seen to it that Bram was
out of contact with me.  Now that he wasn't, there was nothing
to help me build my wall up again.  There were only two more
left though, if only I could hold out on my own using the
sympathy of all the others around me...

	NINE!  My teeth jarred together and I felt and tasted blood in
my mouth.  My ears were ringing and my sight had become dim and
blurry.  Each thorn ripped from my skin slowly and agonizingly. 
I could no longer feel my fingers and toes, all the nerve
synapses I had in my body had concentrated in the one spot on my
now bloodied back.  I wanted to fall to the ground and huddle in
the fetal position for another nine months.  I wanted to leave
this place more than ever.  Most of all I wanted the pain to
stop!

	TEN!  My world shattered!  There was nothing but lights in my
eyes and a burning sensation all over.  Then I blessedly passed
out from the pain.  

	Thankfully vampires have no control over a body once it has
gone into shock.  I was allowed a few moments of peace in the
nothingness.  Meanwhile, they released my shackles.  When the
out of focus world returned I was laying in my own blood sweat
and tears, probably other stuff too, but I chose not to think
about that.  I still could not hear and I thought to myself that
they finally, finally, left me alone for a moment to deal with
the pain.  I did huddle in the fetal position for a little
while.  I tried to concentrate to build up my wall again, to
separate the pain.  It was no use, the pain was too much and I
had a feeling the King had something to do with how difficult it
was despite the pain, and blocking me from Bram.

	I was only down there for a few minutes, just long enough for
me to get comfortable, well as much as I could.  Then I was
pulled to my knees and the King stood before me.  He grabbed my
face forcing me to look up at him.  He forced his way through my
thoughts of pain digging to find what was really in my thoughts.
 I was vulnerable.  No doubt he saw that.  After all I was
completely exposed here, but more than that, I had my first real
taste of how mortal I really was.  I could not block out the
pain I couldn't do anything to protect myself.  I was completely
at his mercy.  That was the most horrifying thought.

	Despite that, I couldn't give up hope that I would suffer no
more.  I would eventually be free of his power; either now at
his hands or sometime in the near future.  After all death was
my only option now.  Nothing else mattered.  Not the torment I
was drowning in now, nor any they would inflict in the future.

	The pain doubled.  It shot through my body bringing my
attention away from the hope of my own death.  "Do you wish the
pain to stop?"

	It took me a full minute to build up the strength to breathe
out the word "yes."

	"Do you think the pain will stop at your death?  It won't.  It
will follow you there.  You will forever be in pain."

	"please-"  My stomach convulsed and my hands spasmed so that I
couldn't even grasp my sore tummy.

	"There is only one way it will stop.  You know what you must
do."

	No, I couldn't.  The wounds on my back burned as if acid were
poured on them.  It would stop.  It had to.  Pain was only
temporary.  I forced my eyes open.  I had to find something else
to focus upon.  The pain was only in my mind it had to be.  The
King was controlling the pain through it.  

	As my blurry eyes scanned the crowd I saw faces I thought I
knew.  They were all contorted, like they were the ones in
distress and not I.  I saw a whisp of blonde hair and knew it
had to be Lacey.  I remembered her father and how he had given
up.  I couldn't.  "There is always hope."  I don't know if I
said it out loud or not, but it unleashed the monster in the
King.  He howled as if I had struck him.

	"No, there is nothing!"  There was a sharp pain in my stomach. 
Unable to tell reality from the pain in my mind, I didn't know
if he had actually kicked me or not.  "You will submit or
receive ten more lashes."

	There were many strange sounds filling my ears.  Curiously the
world vibrated and hummed.  There was much energy in the air.  I
knew this was external as my head filled with pain and couldn't
make them on its own.  I tried to focus and understand what was
going on around me.  For a moment, perhaps it was my
imagination, but the pain lifted, it didn't go away entirely,
but it was lessened.  

	I could understand only a little of what was going on, and only
could discern the King's booming voice.  "Silence, else you
shall share in her punishment."  Softer now, I felt his hot wet
breath on my ear, "You see now why I must do this.  You have
challenged my rule and engaged them in your conspiracy.  I will
not tolerate this.  Submit now, and all of this will be over,
their disorder, your pain, it will all be like a dream, you
won't even remember it."

	I wanted the pain to end.  Really, it was the thing I wanted
most.  No, it wasn't what I wanted most.  I wanted to be out of
this place.  Away from the evil.  Away from the King away
from...  Bram's face popped in my mind.  He smiled at me, held
his arms around me as he leaned down saying something about
being sorry for not wanting to cause me woe, he did it because
he loved me.  He kissed me.  Our first kiss.  The moment that
was the essence of my life.  I kissed him back because at that
moment I knew one thing only I loved him.  That was why I was
here, that was why I would remain and that's what would get me
through this.

	I felt myself being lifted.  Bram was taking me into his arms,
bringing me to his bed after convincing me that we were the
perfect couple.  His eyes never left mine, nor did his lips.  We
were conjoined in a perfect union.  We were one, in mind, spirit
and body.  

	Until we were plucked apart!  My throat tried to scratch out a
scream, yet there was no power left behind it.  My heart pounded
against my chest as my mind brought me back to reality.  I
hadn't been lifted by Bram, but by metal chains.  I was once
again strewn naked before the crowd.  The whip was still
embedded in my bloodied back.  I could feel its thorns digging
into my muscles.  It tugged only slightly, not enough to pull
them loose, but enough to make me well aware of the pain that
would follow.  I searched with mind and eyes for Bram.  I needed
to be in his arms again, anything to block out the pain. 

	There was nothing.  Failing that, with one last ditch effort I
started to hum.  I could not find the beginning of a song.  I
couldn't form more than a bar in my mind before it clouded over.
 I wasn't even allowed a distraction in my mind away from my
punishment.  I took a sharp breath as I felt the beginnings of a
harsh tug and the tiny needles tore new holes in my back.  

	I cried.  I couldn't help it.  I couldn't stop it.  I didn't
know what to do.  I had to do something though.  I couldn't
stand much more of this.

	There was a kind voice in my ear.  "You can make it stop."  I
took a deep breath.  I knew I could.  There was only one way to
divert the pain, and it wasn't in my mind.  "Should I tell Keir
to continue?"

	"No."  My head fell.  I was about to do the second hardest
thing I've ever done.  "Do it to them."

	"Who?"

	"The slaves.  I don't care.  Just make it stop."

	"Is that enough?"

	What more did he want from me?  I have given up.  I would do
anything he asked at that moment.  I would transfer my pain to
anyone I could to make it stop.  To anyone...?  He wanted me to
transfer the pain to a specific person.  No.  I couldn't.  I
would never wish this or any pain upon Bram.  Not even if he
asked to share it.

	"Continue."  I heard the word.  I didn't believe it.  The pain
landed again.  It wasn't just the whip, but that which came from
the King as well.  Had I been nailed to a stake and set on fire
the anguish would be less.  

	"Do as you're told."  A dozen voices rang in my head.  Was it a
memory of these words being told to me over and over or were
they real?  To do so would mean giving up the thing I loved and
I.  Perhaps there was a way to give in without sacrificing him,
though it might still hurt him.  I would not pursue Bram. 

	That was the last thought on my mind before I blacked out for
no brain could take this amount of torture, no matter how hard
the King forced it.

***

	Time had no meaning here, and I thought that had been true
outside this damn room.  Here, there was no light, sound or any
other sensation.  Here there was no one coming or going.  I
couldn't tell if it were night because of the vampire activity. 
I couldn't tell if it was Friday by the fish dinners the kitchen
was dishing out.  Even food didn't come at a regular interval,
so I couldn't tell by that.  Hell, I couldn't even tell if a
week had gone by or more than the month I had been sentenced to.
 The only sound I could hear was the slight squeak the tight
chains made if I moved, my breathing and the occasional creak of
the door.  Each time the latter shocked me, for I had no idea
what would be in store for me.  Would it be my release or just
some food?  Those were the only two good possibilities.  To my
horror this time it would be neither of those.

	The footfalls were heavy, the breathing deep and steady.  My
heart leaped when I thought it might be Bram, then fell again
when the voice pierced the silence.  "You have been a very bad
girl Antoniette."  Keir's deep growl gave me chills.  These were
not playful words.

	He stepped into my line of sight, even in this utter darkness
my eyes had adjusted enough for me to make out the outline of
features on his equally dark face.  He wasn't happy at all.  He
didn't say a word.  He moved his hand into my line of vision and
placed it on my cheek so that I was looking directly into those
sinister eyes.  Then he started moving his hand down my cheek
slowly, letting me feel his nails scratch along it, until they
were all that were touching my skin.  Circling, he brought them
lightly at first then increasing in pressure down around my
neckline, over my shoulder and with one final rip across my
back!  He tore across my wounds opening them further and deeper
with his nails.  The pain was like nothing I had ever felt!  Not
even the whipping was this bad.  My body was about to send me
into a blissful state of a faint when Keir held my mind right
there filled with agony, yet unaware of the rest of the world.  

	This reminded me of the pain the King had sent me through when
I had stabbed Heremon, I had thought I would never feel anything
worse.  Now I knew better.  Before the pain diminished any, he
rounded on me again, his smiling face told me he enjoyed the
situation too much.  I wanted to spit on him, but didn't have
the energy.  It was all I could do to block part of the pain out
of my mind.

	Keir scooped some of the streaming blood from my back and
forced me to watch as he drank it and licked his palm.  Then he
forced his bloody hand onto my lips making me taste my own
blood.  I didn't know how they did it, day in and day out
tasting that metallic sickening liquid.

	Speaking of sickening he took my torture to the next level.  He
brought into my view a long metal pole with something attached
to it.  For a short second I thought he was going to use it on
me, then I realized to my horror what it really was.  Keir
lifted something in his hands so that it was right before my
eyes.  I could just barely make out the small metal needle
between his index and fore finger.  "We can't let it go to waste
now can we?"  With the skill of a practiced nurse he located my
radial artery and stuck the needle into my arm then taped the
tube into place.  I became woozy.  He wouldn't let me.  He
slapped my face a few times to keep me in the here and now.

	Why couldn't he use the patches they used in the infirmary? 
I've already answered that haven't I.  The other question on my
mind had a similar answer.  No, they did not want to kill me,
even if I begged.

	"Are you sure you'd like to die here?"

	He did know whom he was talking to right?

	"Like this I mean.  Naked and alone?"  He had a point.  It
wasn't exactly how I pictured dying.  It seemed to me that each
time I came close I was in a worse position than before.  I
wondered exactly how I would die; in a gutter somewhere?  There
wasn't much worse things than dying here.  Yet there were worse
things than death.  I certainly knew that.

	He grabbed my neck hard cutting off my wind pipes and my artery
at the same time in his large hand.  Now I really was about to
pass out, for good.  "I should kill you."  He hissed through his
teeth.

	I couldn't speak, but I could think, and I knew he was in my
mind.  "Then why don't you?"  It asked him.

	A large evil grin spread over his face and he slowly let go. 
"Because death's too good for you."  That was the moment I
resigned myself to him and the vampires.

	He left me there hanging, exhausted and in misery.  Drop by
drop my blood started to leave my body, so did all my hopes.

***

	They controlled the draw of blood so that I wouldn't bleed to
death, only taking about a half pint a day.  The machine was
torture in itself as in the silent room its soft click became
maddening.  For some reason I could not adjust to it and tune it
out.  Perhaps it was because there was nothing else for me to
focus on.  Like a dripping faucet it made an annoying sound
every few minutes disturbing the silence and affording me no
rest.

	I could not distract myself from it for very long.  My mind was
numb in this place.  I could hardly conjure up a thought in my
head let alone do anything that would help protect me from any
attack or just that friggen ticking.  

	As my mind tried to wander, a thought crossed it.  A long time
ago before the Dance of Equanimity Keir asked me why I couldn't
be happy here.  He had even tried to make me happy.  What
happened to all of that?  Why had they given up on my happiness
and were now torturing me?  Was it because I had given up on
them?  Either that or they never really had that intention from
the beginning?  It didn't really matter now.

	Keir's attempt to isolate me before obviously didn't work.  So
why did they think this would?  Probably because they had taken
his idea twisted and mutated it.  They went beyond what Keir had
done and stole everything from me even my blood.  Not that I had
any strength to but I knew I couldn't mentally reach out beyond
this room.  They did nothing to care for me besides feed me
intravenously.  They had given up feeding me by mouth as it was
tedious and involved interaction with another person.  Now only
one person ever came and went to change the bags and they never
spoke or came into my line of vision.  Keir didn't even pay me a
visit.

	The needles itched like crazy and I feared they were infected. 
Every time I'd try to adjust myself to find what little comfort
I could the needles would slide around under my skin and I'd
become sick ejecting what little was on my stomach.  This was
one sensory input I wish I didn't have.  No one came to clean
that or check my wounds.  I feared Keir's prediction would come
true and I would die here.  At the very least I had lost all my
dignity.  My one thing to be grateful for was I wasn't on public
display.

	I was extremely bored too.  Not having any stimulus for a long
time made my mind drift uncontrollably.  I faded in and out of
consciousness never really sleeping though I did dream or would
they be classified more as hallucinations?  I think the latter. 
I don't know how many hallucinations I had in that room.  I
don't even remember what many of them were.  Even now with my
improved mind I can't get to them.  Save for one.  It wasn't
like the others.  It was more real, more solid.  I saw people
and places where the others I believe were more abstract. 

	Things somewhat like memories bombarded me.  I can't say they
were real memories.  They seemed real at the time, but I could
not associate them with actual events.  I saw family members. 
My mother came and looked down upon me, disappointment evident
in her face.  Laughter distracted me from her and just on the
edge of my vision a child ran past me.  Was that my nephew?  

	"How could you leave me like this?"  At first I thought it was
Bram asking, but it was not his voice.  It was my mother.  She
was crying.  

	"I didn't mean to."  I tried to reach out to her, but she
stepped away from me.  

	My nephew haphazardly threw a ball in my direction for me to
catch it.  It missed, hit me on the shoulder and pain shot
through it as if I had been stabbed.

	My family dissolved and blackness reasserted itself.  I began
to cry.  My family had never been incredibly close, yet it hurt
me to see my mother so ashamed of me.  It was not disparagement
of my current situation but of my service to vampires in
general.  She was always a practical woman and would never
approve of me doing something as unconventional as joining a
vampire cult; as if I had a choice.  Billy, my only sister's
son, was special to me in that he was the only child I would
allow myself to like.  When he was born I was fairly certain I'd
never have a child of my own and so I spoiled the kid whenever I
was able to see him.  It wasn't too often as they lived in a
different state.

	I wasn't that surprised not to have seen my sister with him as
we've never been very close.  Yet she did appear to me.  Not in
the guise I knew her.  Her hair was different long dark and
curly.  Her face had sharper features, almost...  She almost
looked like Kama.  I tried to refocus but she was still there,
still not quite right, but I accepted her.  She didn't say a
word and held something out to me.  It was a little round ball,
half black half blue.  It floated from her hands and begun to
spin.  I watched it with amazement.  It grew larger.  

	I backed away as it filled the room and I was afraid of being
squashed by it.  I heard hundreds of voices coming from it. 
None were comprehensible.  I was crowded.  People pushed me as
they passed.  I looked about and found no buildings, no flowers,
no grass, no sky, only people.  I couldn't make out any face.  I
knew they were all human but I couldn't focus on just one.

	The neighing of a horse caught my attention and I scrambled to
move as it came galloping through the crowd.  The rider, like
the others was indistinguishable.  My head pounded with voices
and smells of a crowd and the touch of these people that I
couldn't see.  I turned and started to push my way through. 
There had to be someone here whom I could isolate and focus on.  

	The colors of the dress of the people were fantastic.  One
dressed in red and gold while another in the colors of the
forest, still another wore a dress as blue as the sky.  In all
of this there was a flash of light reflecting off something and
that was what I followed.  The words and voices thinned out as I
moved farther.  I could make out some things said.  Amongst them
I wasn't surprised to hear: "Do as you're told." and "There is
no hope."  There were other things said I didn't understand:
"Mankind can never be free." and "That's rather selfish of you
to leave your own life until last."  The one that I followed was
that which said, "You do not belong here."

	"Why?"  I asked.

	People moved out of the way and I found myself facing the
horse.  Was it talking to me?  No, atop the horse was the
reflection that had caught my attention.  The knight alighted
and clanked towards me.  Its voice reverberated inside the
helmet.  "You need to move on.  Release yourself."

	"How?"  I couldn't escape they had me tied too tight.

	There was a horrible pain in my belly.  As I grasped at it, I
clenched onto something hard and long.  I looked down to find my
hands bloody and clasping the hilt of a knife.  No, not a knife,
it was a dagger with a dragon on the hilt, much like that one
that I slit my wrist with.

	I looked up at the knight a question evident on my face.  Only
to see it wasn't a he it was a she.  She had removed her helmet
and looked at me with familiar hazel eyes.  My eyes, my cheeks,
my smile.  I was looking into a mirror but not quite.  

	"Why?"  I questioned her... me... it...

	I blinked over and over but she wouldn't go away.  The others
started chanting "Free us." and I turned my attention towards
them.  

	For the first time I could see them clearly.  They were all
faces I knew.  No, not all mine, not all people here in the
vampire complex and not all that I remember from my past.  But I
knew them all.

	"It is not your time.  Leave now while you can or face me
again." said the knight who looked like me.

	I ran from her.  I clutched my stomach trying to keep my guts
from spilling out.

	I tripped and sprawled on the floor.  I knew I was dead, but I
didn't want to die.  I tried to ignore the pain.  The crowd
closed in on me and I searched it for the one face that I knew
would redeem me.  Alas Bram could not be found.

	My body convulsed and I looked down as the blood flowed.  Then
the drops of blood started to float as if there were no gravity,
but I was still on the stony ground.  The blood flowed and
created a thin bubble enveloping me and protecting me from the
crowd.  

	No, it wasn't.  It was closing in on me.  Drop by drop it fell
like rain.  It stung and burned like acid.  I covered my face
with my hands.  It was no use the blood seeped through my
fingers.  Every time it hit my eyes I'd get a flash of
something.  Sometimes it was abstract.  A rainbow of colors
would assault my brain as if someone had hit me.  Another drop
would hit them and I'd see green fields and a bright blue sky,
then an explosion, fire and rock flying at me and there was
nothing I could do to protect myself.

	I was hot, sweating, and suffocating in this closed in space. 
As the blood covered me, it started to become a sticky goo that
I could not get out of my face.  It smelled worse than wet dog. 
I wanted to breathe through my mouth so I wouldn't have to
inhale the stink.  I wouldn't as I was afraid of tasting the
vile substance.

	Then, one last drop hit me.  At first I wanted to stay in that
image forever as Bram leaned over me.  Half a second later he
bared his teeth and bit down.  I pushed the sight away, out of
my mind and slipped on the wet ground.  I wasn't making
progress.  

	My feet would no longer move and I realized they had
solidified.  The rest of my body was freezing into place.  There
was nothing I could do.  There was a crackling sound and dread
wracked me as fissures formed along my legs.  Click, a piece
fell off.  Clack, a whole toe was gone.  Click, clack, piece by
piece of me fell apart and turned to dust before it hit the
ground.

***

	Click went the infernal machine.  It had to be days later.  I
vowed, each time I heard that damnable sound, that at the first
chance I had I would destroy that machine.  There grew another
sound I disliked in this place.  Every now and then I would hear
the door creak open.  I would shrivel from it.  It meant one of
two things; a refresh on the bags or another beating.  They now
added a fresh mark to my back whenever they felt like it.  I
know they exceeded the extra ten lashes the King had ordered. 
To my slight relief they were not from the same whip, no thorns
stuck in my skin.  Nor were the blows as powerful as the ones
Keir delivered.  It had gotten to a point where the crack of the
whip made me tremble more than the hard cutting pain it caused. 
The chill of the blood oozing down my back and further down my
legs made me want to gag as well.  Were it not for Keir's vowing
that he wasn't going to kill me, I would have thought that I had
already died and was now in Hell, except it was too cold here.

	I was hardly aware of the door when it opened this time.  The
small bit of light they allowed in the room, only a shade above
the typical black I saw normally.  It worked its way into the
hallucination of the hour as a rainbow that was too tall for me
to climb and too large for me to go around.  When I stretched
out to touch it, I found it wasn't solid and I fell straight
through it hitting the hard ground below.

	This jarred me back to reality, I think.  I wasn't sure.  My
hands moved without chains and my nose pressed firmly against
the ground.  This was such an odd position as I was used to
being vertical.  I no longer had the sensation of my body's
weight pulling on my arms.  I wasn't sure I could handle it.  I
certainly couldn't stand on my own.  Not that my muscles would
allow it, but every time I lifted my head I vertigo overtook me.

	As the room spun around me I was lifted and dragged into the
light.  The brilliance of the light was intense and blinded me. 
I could hear nothing but my own labored breathing so I wasn't
sure I had even moved.  The only thing that keyed me to the
reality of the thing was the freshness of the air.  It gave me
the feeling of there being a wide open area about me.  I almost
feared I would be put up on stage again.  No, I had no feeling
of there being a crowd around me.

	Had it been a month already?  I lost track of the count a long
time ago.  The one who took me out of the room had little
patience for my lack of movement.  I could tell by the grunts he
made.  I didn't even know who it was.  Disorientated, I could
hardly tell which way was up.  For a brief second I imagined the
complex had been attacked and this was a fireman or national
guardsman who carried me out to safety. 

	My mind reset itself and told me how stupid that thought was. 
I would never be rescued.  I would never escape.  I was a slave
here and that's all there was to it.  Even Bram could not save
me.  No, that hallucination had been more of a prophecy.  He
would eventually do as the others and bite me.  Perhaps, if I
was lucky, that would be the last bite I would ever receive.

	Of course I've never had much luck in this place.  They hosed
me down which did a little to bring me back to my right mind. 
This was a weird experience in itself as it was a wholly
unfamiliar sensation on my skin from what I had become
accustomed to.  Freakishly it wasn't too unlike what I felt in
the hallucination with the blood falling on me.  They fed me a
kind of oatmeal.  A couple spoonfuls barely managed to stay
down.  Finally they thrust me into the slave court with no
ceremony.  No one looked my way.  

	I took small steps as my legs tried to relearn the movements of
walking.  I held onto whatever I could on my journey so I
wouldn't fall.  No one moved to help me, but then again I didn't
expect it of them.  After a half hour or so of this slow
progress I found my cot.  I laid on it face down and fell asleep
instantly.  Moments later there was a hand tugging on my arm. 
"Antoniette, sorry to wake you, but you have an appointment with
Kama."  At least it wasn't Keir, for once I was happy to oblige.

	I slowly made my way down the halls stopping here and there
leaning against the wall and savoring in its coolness.  When I
finally made it to her door I knocked and it immediately opened.
 I fell to my knees but not in subjugation to her.  Without a
word she helped me to my feet and led me to her bed.  I flopped
down and the fluffy mattress enveloped me.  She lightly slipped
the sheet over me.  Then she kissed me on the forehead.  My
suffering and weakness disappeared allowing me to float away to
dreamland.

	Freedom is slavery, that is what George Orwell said, I never
quite understood until now what it meant.