Leaving the Light By: Christine Schnell

Chapter 48



	Even after the so called nap on the plane, I felt exhausted. 
Perhaps it was more mentally than physically.  Thankfully it was
midmorning and I had all day to laze around.  My mind was too
active to let me sleep anymore so I spent the day writing my
newest adventures down in my journal.  Part way through
analyzing the meaning of what Urquhart didn't say on our flight
to Florida, Al found me and sat by me until I acknowledged him.

	I finished my line of thought I greeted him then asked, "Where
have you been I was looking for you a couple days ago."

	"I've been out on an errand."  He said deadpan.

	For some reason I didn't believe him.  Maybe it was the light
green tint of a healing bruise around his right eye.  "You okay?"

	He waved me off.  "Of course.  I was going to ask the same of
you."  He gestured to the book.  "Heard you've had it rough
recently."

	I almost tried to pretend, like him, that things aren't as bad
as they seem.  I wasn't that good of a liar so I opted for the
truth.  "Yeah, some strange stuff, not that I'm unaccustomed to
it."

	"Yeah, the strange is almost the norm around here.  What in
particular?"

	"Keir's sleeping with Bram."

	"Yes, not unusual in the least."

	Ack!  Not him too!  "There's been a terrorist attack on the
outside world."

	"Yep, I heard.  What else."

	"One of the hunters that attacked upstairs sold Urquhart drugs
and then was killed by another vampire."

	"Ah, now that's of interest.  You say he was one of those you
turned away?"

	"Yeah.  I didn't even recognize him.  I think he changed his
hair or something."

	"He wasn't the one who killed Erik was he?"

	"Nah, this guy was white." 

	"Who killed him?" 

	"I'm not sure, I think it might have been some guy that was a
speaker at the symposium we went to." 

	"Dr. Pompi?" 

	"You know him?" 

	"I've served him at a function Urquhart held here quite a few
years ago.  They've been friends for centuries." 

	"They sleep with each other?" 

	Al must have known where I was going with that yet he acted
unaware.  "I think they're distant relations or something. 
Second or third cousins."

	"Was he part of this clan?"

	"I don't think so.  Perhaps he was once.  Either way I think he
lives on his own now.  Do you know why he killed this hunter?"

	I shrugged.  "I figure it's just the normal hunter vampire
spat."

	"Could be.  You said drugs were involved?"

	"Not with Dr. Pompi, just Urquhart."

	"I wouldn't be so sure.  This Dr. Pompi strikes me as a little
unscrupulous."

	"So it's a drug war?"

	"No, I'm sure it's more sophisticated than that.  Urquhart
didn't say?"

	"I asked but he wouldn't answer so I didn't bother trying more."

	"What?  You of all people didn't question him until he gave in?"

	I resented his remark.  "No."

	He laughed softly.  "Don't take it so hard.  I know they're
getting to you but never stop asking questions."

	"Why do you think he did it?"  I asked.

	"Dr. Pompi might have a grudge against one of the vampires
here.  I know!  He conspired with the hunter to attack our
building, when that failed the hunter was going to kill you
because he realized you had tricked them.  But Dr. Pompi fell
madly in love with you and killed the hunter before he had a
chance."  At first I thought he was serious but by the time he
finished his grin was wider than the Cheshire Cat's.

	"Riiight."  No doubt he'd talked to Lacey and was trying to
prove how ridiculous conspiracy theories could be.

	"You were probably right in the first place.  I suspect they
met at the conference.  Found each other out and Pompi was the
winner of the resulting fight."

	"Has anything like this happened to you before?  Other vampires
and hunters fighting I mean."  I asked.

	"It's rare yet not unheard of.  Once I went with Tiernan to
distract a hunter from attacking a friend of the clan."  Al said.

	"Was he killed?"

	"No, we managed to tip off a police officer who arrested him
for possession of illegal weapons."

	"Did you ever go to be an intermediary on the pickup of drugs?"

	"There have been... occasions."

	"You don't approve?"

	"Should I?"

	"I'm just kind of surprised."  I said.

	"I don't approve of everything the vampires do.  Old morals are
sometimes hard to change."

	"Tell me about it."  Still there had to be some reason the
vampires didn't have this virtue.  So I asked, "Urquhart says
drugs don't effect them like us.  Their cells regenerate."

	"So I've heard."  Al said.

	"Are those cells regenerated exactly or do you lose
information?"

	"Well I'm not sure."  Al admitted.  "Vampires are less likely
to lose cells in the first place.  They may only be damaged and
therefore easier to mend.  Second, more of their brain is active
therefore the percentage lost is less and the damage less
noticeable.  The likelihood of it effecting memory is reduced. 
Any other function doesn't seem permanently damaged.  Of course
they can replace memory by gathering information from others. 
Of course sometimes one just wants to forget."

	"This isn't something new.  I know they can make me forget
specific things.  So why can't they do that to themselves
without drugs?"

	"I suspect it's easier to make someone else forget than
yourself.  Others always know your mind better than yourself. 
Maybe when they make a human forget they do not erase the
memory.  They might change or destroy the paths leading to that
memory.  Drugs destroy the memory entirely, when it effects it
at all.  We of course don't have control over what memory drugs
destroy either.  You often don't realize it's gone.  The
associated memory is also affected so there are no voids."

	"And THIS is a good thing?"

	"More often than not it's not.  I'm not advocating the use I
believe there is more harmful side effect than good.  I just
think you can't always discount something because you believe
it's bad."

	Was Al really meaning something other than drugs?  I was afraid
to ask.  So I changed the subject, "Why don't you think the
terrorist acts were important?"

	"It isn't to the vampires or for that matter us trapped in
here.  The vampires have their own values and limits.  These
peoples' patriotism for example, means nothing to them, nor do
they understand it.  A vampire does not put his life on the line
because of loyalty to the clan nor seek revenge for its sake."

	"What about Erik?  The King wants to kill the hunter that did
that."

	He shook his head.  "The King's motives are not as shallow as
you believe.  Erik's death exposed a hunter that threatens all
our lives."

	"And that is different from this country how?"

	"The vampires' is a life or death struggle, what is happening
out there is false patriotism." 

	"I just don't understand."

	"Their motives are honorable but it won't last.  Do you really
believe that in six months, at most a year, these people will
still be afraid of terrorists?  They may not forget the incident
but they will move on.  Vampires will do what they need to
survive now and in the future.  

	"What you believe to be right and wrong may not be to them. 
For example when you investigated Lowell's murder you were
frustrated by the lack of sympathy were you not?"

	"Yes."

	"You see death to them is not something to be feared but
embraced.  None of them believed any wrong was done to him, in
fact he was helped to the next level of existence."

	"If that's true, why wouldn't the King let me die?"  I asked.

	"I think you know why Kiddo."

	Did I?  Was it just because of the prophecy?  If it was, it
didn't make any sense.

	After a few moments of silence as I thought about what he said
and pondered his discolored eye, I said, "I'm sorry."

	"For what?"

	"It's my fault Keir was upset and took it out on you."

	"I never said Keir did this."  Al pointed to his eye.  "How did
you upset Keir?"

	I thought about it a bit then said, "I'm not sure.  I mean I
didn't do anything but walk out on them when I found him with
Bram.  I think he didn't like that I wasn't more accepting."  I
shrugged I didn't quite understand Keir or Bram for that matter.
 "Why would Bram do that when he already has me?"

	Al said, "As I was explaining, their culture is not the same as
what you are used to.  His affection for you is not diminished
by his relationship with anyone else."

	I didn't believe him.  How can someone love one person so fully
then go fooling around with another?  It just didn't make sense.
 Then again Al did say he loved more than one of the vampires. 

	"If what it means to become a vampire is to lose all my morals
than I want no part of it."  I declared, not that I had much of
a choice.

	"I thought you decided that a long time ago."

	"Yes, but it's just reinforced now."

	"I think you too will move on."  Al said.

	"You do think I should apologize to Bram and Keir."

	"I think you'll do the right thing without me telling you what
to do."

	"Oh Al you know if I had got a good smack over the head from
you before, it wouldn't have taken me so long to decide."

	"I thought Lacey did a fine job of smacking you over the head."	

	"Nah, it didn't stick."

	"You need to start solving these on your own anyway Kiddo,
you're a big girl, you can do it."

	"Yeah, but it's nice to hear your opinion on things." 

	"Sometimes I fear I'm becoming useless."

	This clicked something in my little brain, something Bram said
on a grassy knoll.  "You'll never be useless to me."

	"Thanks Kiddo, that means a lot to me.  Let me ask you
something."

	"Yes?"  

	My fears were realized when Al asked, "Have you heard
anything... about me?"

	What could I tell him?  Should I warn him about going to Bram's
room?  No, it was best if he didn't know a thing.  "Nothing
other than how great you are."

	He laughed a bit.  "And here I thought you were becoming rather
serious."  He left it at that, yet the way he looked at me told
me he didn't believe me.  Here I go wrapping myself in yet
another conspiracy.  At least this one was well intentioned.

***

	Lacey, unlike I, slept soundly.  I figured I would apologize to
her later.  I knew instinctively that Kama wanted to see me that
evening.  I was quite aware that it was her turn to smack me
over the head.  

	On my way I passed through the gym and heard loud cussing.  I
immediately figured Keir was beating someone again.  I found the
source of the disturbance quickly; several people gathered on
the other end of the gym.  They surrounded Harlow who held one
end of a rope and repeatedly yanked Kenneth to the ground.  When
I approached Kenneth was straining to pull on the rope with all
of his might.  Harlow held on and with hardly any effort then
tugged on the rope.  Kenneth flew forward smashing his face into
the ground.  Bloodied he struggled to his feet took up the rope
and began pulling again.  For some time I watched the rise and
fall of Kenneth over and over again.  Each time he rose cursing
himself and was a bit more bruised.  Only once did he glance at
the small crowd gathering around him with a most evil eye.  I
knew what he was thinking, It was the same thing I was.  Why
weren't any of us helping?  I knew why I wasn't.  I had given
the King my word.

	The others certainly didn't have my reasons but no doubt they
also feared the vampires' retribution.  I really wanted to help.
 I felt horrible watching him there.  It was like driving by a
car accident I just couldn't take my eyes off the horrible event.

	If I helped, would that be misconstrued as me committing
treason against the vampires?  Or would they see it rightly as
me just trying to even the odds in a game?  I dared not take
that chance.

	After Kenneth fell again, Harlow looked to us and said, "Come
on give me a challenge."

	No one moved to take up his offer.  Maybe they felt even with
so many people Harlow would still be victorious.  While I was
tempted it didn't change my promise.

	That was until Kenneth fell and didn't get back up again.  I
rushed to his side as Harlow laughed.

	"Kenneth?"

	"I can't do it anymore."  He mumbled into the ground.

	I knew the feeling.  "You can't give up now.  He's starting to
tire."

	"Yeah, right."

	I finally made up my mind.  I may have given up but I wasn't
going to let him.  I pulled on his arm.  "Come on I'll help."

	He pushed himself to his knees but didn't take the proffered
rope.  So I just started pulling.  Harlow caught a little
unaware took a step forward to keep his balance.  Then with a
mighty tug I found myself on the ground next to Kenneth.  Just
as Kenneth had previously, I got up and took hold of the rope. 
This time the rope became taught on my end and I looked back to
find Kenneth behind me also pulling.  We nonverbally
concentrated our efforts and pulled at the same time to move
Harlow a few inches forward.  Still he was stronger than us. 
While we didn't fall on our face he had turned the tide on us
and we now slid forward.  I waved to the crowd and said, "Come
on, help us."

	To my amazement, they did.  First, one person moved forward,
the normally tranquil Eugene.  When we started equalizing the
pull against Harlow, another slave joined us, then another and
another.  Still we had only managed to keep our own against him.
 Every time we went to pull, even if there were no visual
signals between us he knew when we were about to and was able to
pull before we could.  Obviously he was reading our minds, or at
least mine.  I quickly built up a shield around my mind and for
good measure hummed softly.  Harlow was still able to counteract
our tugs so I knew we needed more.

	I whispered to Kenneth behind me.  "Keep your mind busy, put a
song in it or something.  Pass it on."  I heard him in turn
whisper to the person behind him and so on.  I hoped the message
wouldn't get distorted like the game I used to play as a kid.  I
wondered if the message would get back to me saying "Peep the
kind boy.  Poking summer songs."

	It seemed to be working, to a certain degree.  Our efforts
weren't as unified as none of us were concentrating on pulling
anymore.  Yet I noticed he was slowly inching forward.  We had
him and I knew we could do it.  I didn't think about it as I
yelled at the top of my lungs, "PULL!"  We all tugged mightily
at once and Harlow took a step past the line on the ground.

	A great cheer echoed through the gym.  While we didn't manage
to make Harlow fall on his face we all felt rather victorious
and congratulated each other.  Everyone gave high fives all
around.  Even Harlow shook our hands in an effort to be a good
sportsman.  Once he left and the others spread out back to what
they were doing Kenneth faced me.

	"What is up with you?!"

	"Excuse me?"  This took me aback.

	"I practically beg for help and you just stood there."

	"I didn't have a choice."

	"What?  Harlow held you in place?"

	"Um... not exactly."  I already felt bad and he didn't help.

	"Yeah, well I'm just glad he wasn't beating the tar out of me
is all I'm sayin'."

	"I gave my promise-"

	He put a hand in my face.  "I don't want to hear how you kowtow
to those monsters."

	I really didn't want to get into an argument.  Besides I was
late.  So I started to walk off.

	"Where you goin'?"

	"To kowtow to Mistress Kama if you must know."

	"Oh."  He said softly.

	"You know just because she's a vampire doesn't mean she's not
human."

	"She lied to me."  He sounded more hurt than angry.

	"We all do that.  And like humans she made a mistake.  I'm sure
she wanted to tell you what she was.  I'm also sure she still
has feelings for you.  You just need to forgive her.  After all
she did what she thought was best for you"  Damn, it's like I
was talking to myself about Bram.  

	He nodded a little.  "I'm not sure I can forgive."

	I wiped away some blood that was about to drip into his eyes. 
"Believe me Kenneth, there is nothing to gain by holding a
grudge against them."  I let him ponder this for a moment.  I
knew I couldn't stand here all day guiding him to a conclusion. 
"You should go to the infirmary.  I'll see you when I'm sent
there later."

	"You're not hurt are you?"

	"Not yet, but I will be if I'm much later for Mistress Kama." 
He gave me a knowing smile that made me feel hopeful.  

***

	I had a lot to think about in that short walk to Miss Kama's
room.  I had just broken my word, not only to the King, but to
her.  Was there anything I could do to save my skin?

	I doubt it.  I didn't have much time to think about it as I was
already approaching her door.

	I knocked softly and the door drifted open a little.  I pushed
it gently forward and immediately registered the dark room.  At
first I thought no one was home until I noticed there was light;
just one candle across the room on a small night stand next to
the bed.  The small yellow light hardly glittered off the wroth
iron frame.  "Mistress?"  I asked timidly as I stepped inside.

	"Come in child."  Miss Kama bid.  She sat on the edge of the
bed, legs crossed, in full dominatrix garb that I could only
make out because of the light glinting off the metal rings
connecting the pieces.  

	I found myself on edge, not because of what this portended.  I
had no doubt before I even left the slave court I would face
some sort of punishment.  It was the decision I had come to
right at that moment.  A decision I had dreaded for years, one I
knew I inevitably had to come to.  

	I dropped to my knees surrendering to her.  I only saw her
well-polished toenails.  "Mistress Kama please help me.  Make me
like you"  

	My heart stopped beating.  Would she refuse me?  Did she not
like my motives?  

	"So it has finally happened?  You've finally broke."  Her voice
revealed no surprise.

	No, that's not it, did she not understand?  I didn't and said
so. 

	"Yes you do, you just wont admit it to yourself.  They tortured
you, verbally abused you, led you to believe you were insane,
threatened you with a dark future and still you held your own
against them."  I shook my head in protest but I knew it wasn't
my turn to speak.  "Oh you may have gone through the motions,
done everything to convince them and yourself that you had given
in.  In your heart you knew you hadn't."  She let that sink in
for a moment.  She was right I had adapted to them but really I
was just biding my time waiting for the right moment to come
when I could stand against them.  Until...  "It was something
you did not plan on that would break you.  The King knew though.
 He knows everything.  Bram got to you, made you feel guilty and
now you will do anything to win him even become one of us.  

	"It wasn't Bram though; he was only the catalyst.  You've done
it to yourself.  Right down to making yourself feel guilty about
doing what comes naturally; helping others."

	No, no, this was wrong, all wrong.  I had decided to serve Bram
as I would any other.  Hadn't I?  At least until I became his
equal.  Hadn't I?  This decision wasn't because of him.  The
tug-of-war spectacle wasn't either.  I was... It was... I didn't
want to wait anymore; to second guess when it happened.  The
world outside didn't appeal to me anymore.  I didn't want to be
afraid of getting in trouble whenever I did something like that.
 That was why.  I hadn't given in.  I was just trying to
circumvent them.  That was all.

	"Antoniette."  Ugh, it was her lecture tone.  "It is not
necessarily a bad thing to give in.  I shall prove it.  Stand
up."  I stood up.  "There you see."  So I followed her command,
so what, it's become automatic over the years.  Besides what I
would do for her was different from what I would do for other
vampires.

	She decided to take it one step further.  She reached onto a
drawer while saying, "Hold out your hands."  I did so.  She was
now standing before me, I wasn't looking at her, but at my hands
and what she held before them.  She seemed to hesitate as she
brought the handcuffs up to my wrist.  How long had it been
since it came to this?  We had worked so long on my etiquette I
had almost forgotten her other hobby.  

	"Are you all right with this?"  What a silly question, as if I
had a choice.  I nodded but my insides clenched into a tiny ball
and that ball was bouncing around trying to break out of my
skin.  It sprang into my throat and stayed there.  I gulped
trying to push it down.  She stopped, noticing this just as she
was about to close the second cuff about my wrist.  "You do have
a choice.  I can stop now.  You'd prove me wrong."

	It was a tough choice.  To give in to her completely; being
handcuffed would remove any freedom of movement let alone will I
had.  Not agreeing would mean I still had fight in me, it also
meant I'd be subjected to more and more of the torture I've
already gone through.  Would giving in mean I had I gone through
it for nothing?  Would it just mean an end to the pain?  If I
gave in, could I move on beyond it?  That's what I was betting
on.  I still couldn't speak so I nodded.  The cold metal pressed
against my wrist with a few clicks and it was done.

	She shifted me a few inches to the right and moved my arms so
that they were above my head.  I repressed a shiver as I knew
what was coming and it reminded me of the most horrible night of
my life.  Those memories, too, I repressed.  I couldn't allow
them to cause me fear.  For I knew Miss Kama would feed off my
fear.  A hook grabbed hold of the chain between the cuffs and
with the press of a button it receded into the ceiling pulling
my arms up along with it.  My heels then finally toes left the
ground and I was suspended helpless, fully at Mistress Kama's
mercy.

	"Now, for the fun part."  She purred.  The candle went out and
the world around me went black.  

	My heart pounded and despite all my effort I started to panic a
little.  I wasn't afraid of the dark.  Okay, maybe I was a
little afraid of what roamed in it.  It was the memories that
scared me: the taunting, the starvation, the depression.  "Give
into it."  Miss Kama's voice broke through the black and fought
to be heard over my raging thoughts.  "Allow yourself to feel
the darkness."  Easy for her to say, I had other feelings going
on at the moment.	

	A hand settled on my lower back.  I suddenly felt a lot calmer.
 I was not alone, and I would not be left to be deprived of all
senses.  "There are other senses.  You have depended on the
sight too long.  Do you understand now?"  The hand smoothly
worked its way under my shirt.  It was warm and left a tingling
sensation on the path it tread up to my shoulder blades. 
"Giving in to one sensation can mean leaving behind another,
less needed one."

	The hand nimbly unlatched my bra and it slid off along with my
shirt, which I had just realized had been cut off me.  The hands
now roamed my torso unencumbered.  My pants left my body without
any fight and I found myself totally in her power.  I did not
feel as vulnerable as I did in that little room with the IV
hooked up to my arm and Keir hovering over me.  For all I knew
it could be Keir before me now.  My eyes couldn't adjust to this
total darkness but as she said there were other senses and I
heard the breathing of two people only inches away.

	The hands, which were decidedly masculine, they certainly
didn't have Miss Kama's long nails and were a bit rougher and
wider than hers, moved over my breasts with the lightest touch. 
I couldn't help being aroused.  I no longer felt fear or even
the lump in my throat.  His hands explored every inch of my body
never teasingly.  It was almost as if he were memorizing my skin
to make a mold.  

	I shivered now but for a different reason.  My muscles had lost
all their tension by the time his had reached my face for the
second time.  His thumbs caressed my cheeks and brushed over my
lips.  I couldn't help myself I kissed one.  Then his lips
brushed against mine.  He lingered for a moment seeing what my
response would be.  I kissed back.  His lips moved between mine
separating them making way for his tongue that I accepted. 

	I hadn't realized it before, but as Miss Kama said, giving in
to it allows you to feel other things.  Or in this case: taste. 
His taste was familiar.  Of course it could have been one of
forty or so vampires here.  There was more.  It was pleasurable,
that much was for sure.  Almost too much so, as if he knew what
made me feel pleasure.  Then I realized why he tasted, even
smelled familiar.  I broke off the kiss and almost spat in his
face.  

	"Bram!"

	It was like having icy water thrown on you during the best
dream.  I wanted to move away but the chains kept me hanging.  I
thought about kicking him but decided that would not be good. 
Knowing my thoughts he backed away from me.  "Get me down!  Let
me go!"  They started lowering me before my second exclamation
was out.

	Miss Kama had me enveloped in her arms before my feet fully hit
the ground.  She made calming noises.  My hands shook so badly
she had a hard time getting he handcuffs off.  It wasn't until
they were that I realized I could see them.  Bram must have gone
around the room lighting candles.

	"Wwwhat tthe hell..."  I tried to yell but Miss Kama continued
to shush me until I stopped shaking.  Miss Kama had me half
lying on the floor and she grabbed a blanket to wrap around me.  

	Bram now knelt near us.  He seemed afraid to touch me, as he
should be.  He did look concerned with those big puppy dog eyes.

	I took many slow deep quivering breaths before I was calm
enough to make whole words.  "Why did you do this to me?"

	Bram abruptly looked ashamed.  "We didn't think you'd react so
violently."

	"Really?  After everything else, you didn't think I'd get upset
at you for tying me up and raping me?"

	"It's not like that."

	"Antoniette, you were perfectly willing when you thought it was
me."

	I wanted to snap at her instead I kept my voice low and under
control.  I still didn't look at her.  "You've betrayed my trust
again.  How long was he here?  The entire time?"

	"Yes."  He admitted.  "I will not share what you asked of her
with anyone."

	"You don't like it though, do you?  That I asked her and not
you."

	"You already knew I could not.  Yet you are correct, it hurts a
little."

	I was a little amazed at his honesty.  He moved to place his
hand on my leg.  I may be moved by his words but I wasn't quite
over what just happened.  I had overcome my initial shock so I
stood to get away from him.  

	I had a right to be indignant: they had ambushed me again! 
This was the second time they had done this to me and I had a
good mind to walk out on them.  "Antoniette, do not walk out
that door."

	I stopped.  What else could I do?  I wrapped the blanket
tighter around me then slumped into a chair.  

	"Sit up straight."  Mistress Kama snapped.

	Oh so it was this again?  She was trying to assert control over
me.  I ignored her.  "I suppose you're sleeping with Kama now
too?"

	"I asked him here for only one reason, just as I did you."

	"Oh great a threesome.  Why don't you just call in Keir and
we'll have an all out orgy."  I turned away from them.  "No
thanks."

	"It's not like that."  Bram said as the Mistress also spoke.

	"You will not disrespect me."

	"At least Keir is honest about what he does.  He never deceived
me into thinking he would be gentle."  I was not upset it hurt
me to finally realize this about our relationship.

	"I've never lied to you."  Bram said.

	"You've also never been fully honest with me."

	"Give me some credit won't you?"  He pounded his fist to his
chest.

	"Give me a break!"  I screamed back.

	"You thick skulled Cro-Magnon!"  

	"Bram!"  Miss Kama moved to soothe him and apparently to keep
him from putting a fist through her armoire.  She wasn't fast
enough.  

	I cringed at the sound of splintering wood.  It didn't even
faze him.  "You expect me to apologize to someone who won't even
listen?!"

	"Why should I listen to a liar?"  My voice trembled as I cried.

	A whip cracked and shook me to the very bones without even
coming near me.  Mistress Kama now had my complete attention. 
"Calm yourself.  This is not helping."  She practically pushed
him onto the bed where he sat silently.

	"Both of you calm down, now!"

	"Yes Mistress."  I whispered.  Bram just sat there.

	"Toni, you say listening is one of your best traits.  Do so
now."

	"Yes Mistress."

	"And you!"  Miss Kama yelled at Bram when he started having
cocky thoughts.  "You knew how fragile this situation is.  How
I'm trying to build up her confidence and you go screwing with
her head."

	"Forget about it."  Bram snapped.  "You can't protect
everybody, especially those too stubborn to accept your help." 

	A name popped in my head, Darika.  Where the hell did that come
from?  NOT FROM ME.  From Miss Kama or Bram?  Where did I hear
that name before?  What did it have to do with this?  Not that
Bram cares enough to protect anyone.  Had he not protected
Darika?  I shook the thought out of my mind when Mistress Kama
glared at me.  I was supposed to be listening.

	"I won't forget about it.  You should have been more tactful." 
She turned back and pointed her whip at me.  "You think Bram is
selfish?  You've got that poor man wrapped around your finger. 
You're the one who thinks the world must circle around you.  It
is not enough for you to have the attention of the King you must
also intimidate the slaves into following you.  You contrive
schemes to get them to fawn over you then you leave them to
clean up the mess."

	Inside I wanted to argue to scream at her, "Why don't you take
responsibility for making me this way?"  There was no way in
hell I would ever confront her though.  I dipped my head in
shame and remained silent.

	"Maybe it is selfish of him to want you to love him, or to want
you to focus your attention on him for once.  Maybe that's why
he goes to these extremes to get your attention."

	"Actually I was trying to bridge-"

	"Bram, you need to listen for a moment also."  Miss Kama
barked.  "Toni, I'm sorry you haven't learnt the right lessons
from me.  I haven't been a perfect role model.  There are some
people I have hurt because I haven't trusted them fully."  She
took my hand pulled me up and walked me to the bed.  She set me
down next to Bram.  Neither of us looked at the other.  "Bram,
I'm sorry I've interfered between the both of you.  I'm sorry
for what I did today and what I've done before.  Now, I want the
two of you to talk through this, calmly, no raised voices. 
Toni, tell him how you feel about your relationship."

	"I don't know."  I sulked.

	"Bram?"  Miss Kama asked.

	"I love you unequivocally."  He said to me.

	"Really now?  Then why do you keep giving me mixed messages?"

	"How?"

	"Hello!  First, you say 'Keir's not that bad.'  Then you fight
with Keir.  Then you say, 'you shouldn't trust Keir.'  Then you
Make OUT with him!"  I threw my arms in the air.  "What am I
supposed to think?"

	"Calmly, Antoniette."  Mistress Kama warned.

	"Would you rather have seen me making out with Erik?"  He asked
sharply.

	"That's just wrong!  Erik's dead."  

	"Before."

	"No, it's still just wrong."  I couldn't imagine Erik kissing
another man.  Of course before this I couldn't imagine Bram
kissing another man.  Besides, it really is disrespectful for
him to even imply such a thing.  His eyes told me that I might
be wrong.  Bram would know as he had lived with these people
longer than I.

	"This is how it is."  Bram explained, "I was tired of hiding
the relationships between us vampires from you.  I felt you have
the right to the truth and I rather you learn it from me than
find out the hard way."

	That wasn't the hard way?  Well then I probably didn't want to
know what was.  "So the truth is you're gay and you don't want
to have a relationship with me?"

	"No.  I do.  Only you need to know relationships here are free
flowing and not always what they seem."

	"So there's no loyalty here?"

	"Quite the contrary."  Miss Kama said.  "Our loyalty to the
clan as a whole solidifies.  We all feel we owe each other."

	"Why didn't you warn me?"  I asked resignedly.

	"Would you have acted any differently?"

	"Yes."  No, of course not.  If you find out the man you love is
sleeping with another man you wouldn't be too happy either.

	"Exactly."

	"Stop that!"  I immediately put my shields up.  He didn't need
to be reading or manipulating my thoughts.  I collected them
anyway and said, "We've had dinner with him before.  Why
couldn't you have done something like that and told me then
instead?"

	"In fact that's what I was planning.  Things just...  It just
happened."

	"And why didn't you tell me before?  Why wait until now?"

	Bram looked nervously to Miss Kama.  "I was going to that first
night at dinner.  I just don't think you were quite ready at
that time."

	"Oh and I'm ready now?"

	"Actually, I think it was Bram who was not ready."  Miss Kama
interjected.  

	The room fell silent as we stared at him, neither of us
believing what she said, for two separate reasons.

	"Are you in love with him?"  I asked Bram.

	"There are many-"

	"Are you in love with him?!"  I asked more forcefully, he knew
I didn't mean any other kind of love other than that I thought
we shared. 

	"No."

	I was at an impasse.  He believes he loves me and yet he hurt
me deeply.  How was I to accept he wouldn't do so again?

	Frustrated by my silence Mistress Kama stomped to her armoire. 
She had a hard time opening it because of the new hole Bram so
kindly added.  She nearly ripped the door off as she fussed with
it for a moment or two.  When it finally opened, she took the
hanging clothes in one swoop threw them onto the floor.  She
then destroyed the armoire more by ripping off the back
paneling.  I was starting to feel a bit vulnerable here as
everyone around me ripped things to shreds.  

	She didn't tear the thing to splinters as I expected.  Instead
she pulled something else out from the back of the cabinet.  It
appeared to be a large painting, about four feet tall and two or
three wide in an elegant wood frame.  "You have doubts about his
love?  Would he have commissioned me... ME to paint this if he
didn't love you?"  She turned it around so I could see it.  

	Somehow what I saw didn't surprise me.  It was like looking
into a mirror but one that changed what I wore into an elegant
flowing green gown.  A light wind had just rustled it to the
left.  The eyes appeared too be looking off in the distance and
the small grin made one think she had found what she was
searching for.  What seemed a little out of place was the thing
that was a constant association with Bram or perhaps he always
associated it with me.  She limply held a sword in her left
hand.  The flowing dress mostly obscured it but it clearly was
the sword Bram kept locked in his room.  The wings that composed
the guard were clearly visible and a bit of the dragon head
pommel stuck out the other side of her closed hand. 
Contrastingly, she held out a bouquet of wildflowers in her
other hand as if in offering.  The background was a tender green
meadow with blue sky, fairly simplistic compared to the rest of
the oil painting.

	I couldn't help it.  Tears started flowing.  I put a hand out
to touch it, just to see if it was real.  

	Miss Kama spoke with a bit of sympathy.  "when will you accept
that he does love you, only you, and wants the best for you?"

	"I know he loves me... But..."  I sniffled and looked around
for something to blow my nose with.  Bram, like a gentleman,
presented me with a handkerchief.  I took it and blew gently as
I knew etiquette demanded.  I didn't look at him.  I couldn't. 
My chest pressed in on me as my shame filled it.

	They waited for me.  "I can't-"  I didn't know how to say it. 
I couldn't say it, but I had to.  If I didn't I would be lying
to them.  "I can't love you."  I threw myself face first into
the pillows.

	"I think the issue here might be trust.  You both have problems
with this."

	"Not trust."  He said.

	I met his eyes then.  I felt it, I felt what he was going to
say, maybe not because I could feel his thoughts.  I could feel
what he felt inside me.  Don't say it Bram, for my sake, please
don't say it.  He didn't hear my plea.  "Fear."  He said.  Miss
Kama watched us both and knew it to be true.  "I don't think
either of us fear my hurting you at least physically."

	"No."  I agreed.

	"You do fear me though, don't you."

	I didn't answer at first.  I didn't know if I did fear him or
not.  After all, this was a new revelation.  Then it occurred to
me the reason I couldn't pin down my fear was I looked in the
wrong place.  Miss Kama had hinted to it just a little while
ago.  "I fear myself, what I may become.  I fear you loosing
your love of me because of it."

	"You know that will never happen." 

	"That's just it.  I don't know that." 

	"You fear the unknown more than me."

	I think he was right.  One of my biggest pet peeves is waiting
and that's mostly because I hardly ever know what is going to
happen when the thing I'm waiting for arrives.  There were so
many things looming in my future that was unknown.  I was afraid
to commit to anything right now, for fear it might be wrong or
wind up hurting me later on or worse, hurting someone else. 
Who's to say if I fulfill this prophecy I don't become such a
horrible person in the process that I kill anyone who gets in my
way?  Including Bram.

	"You can not live life in a shell.  Eventually you have to face
those fears.  Give in to it and deal with what you are handed." 
Miss Kama advised.

	Bram's advice was more useful.  "I know it's corny but live
life one day at a time.  Don't try to second guess it like
begging to become one of us.  Enjoy your life right now and
worry about that later."

	He stood and reached out his hand towards me.  "Come here
please."  

	Would he tie me up again?  I knew I should do as they said and
just give in.  "Letting go of your fears is not the same as
giving in to us."  Miss Kama said.

	All right then.  I took his hand and he helped me to my feet
then led me to Miss Kama.  What was I to do with her, get on my
knees and ask forgiveness.

	"What do you see?"  He waved his hand to the painting she let
lean against her.

	It was like the last time he made me look into the mirror. 
Only this time I wasn't rawboned I had plumped up a bit since I
got over the ordeal of the whipping.  Now I fear I wouldn't fit
into the dress she wore.  I had the hardest time finding
compliments for myself.  "That's not me.  I don't look like. 
I'm run down, weak."

	"You are just as beautiful as that painting.  Yet that's not
what I intended.  Look into her eyes and tell me what you see."

	I shrugged.  I didn't know what kind of answer he wanted from
me.  It was a two dimensional drawing.  There could be no life
behind them.  Yet she stared right back at me as if she was the
one examining the artwork that I lived in.  She scrutinized me
showing no trepidation she would not back down and had the sword
to prove it.  Yet she was also compassionate.  This was not me.

	"Just like looking in the mirror, you don't see what's right in
front of you."  Miss Kama admonished.

	Bram said, "I don't see any difference between the woman I'm
holding and the one in that painting.  What I see in her eyes is
intrepidity and desire.  She will stop at nothing to get what
she wants.  One could be afraid of such things.  I choose not to
be."

	How could I have treated him so horribly?  While I was in his
arms I couldn't believe I ever felt anything but love for him. 
I came to the conclusion that Keir must have brainwashed me. 
There was no other reason for how I've acted.  I rose to come
close enough to kiss him.

	He stopped me.  His brow furrowed and something flashed in his
eyes that I didn't like.  "Damn!  I have to go.  Don't loose
that feeling though."  He kissed me quickly on the forehead and
rushed out the door.

	I blinked several times at Kama.  Her befuddled face reflected
what I felt.  "What just happened?"

	"I'm not sure."

	"It's not something I did.  Should I have not tried to kiss
him?"

	"No child, I think something else is going on beyond our
control."

	"Oh."  Without her permission I sat back on the bed and started
examining the fine thread work on the blanket wrapped about me. 
Now without him here I felt empty.  Some of my fears returned. 
Maybe it had all been an act.  Finally I got up the nerve to
ask.  "Did he really ask you to paint that?"

	"Would I have gone through all this if he hadn't?"

	No, I suppose not.  It was a lot more work than to just be Miss
Kama exerting her manipulation skills.  It was more apparent
when she set the painting against the armoire, poured herself a
drink and sat across the room from me.  Obviously she had no
intention of flirting with me while Bram was not in the room. 
Did she expect him back?  How long should I sit here?  Damn, I
hated not knowing.

	Maybe this was just another exercise to get me to let go of
that.  I took a deep breath then decided to start a
conversation.  I pointed to the painting.  "Why don't you have
one of Kenneth?"

	"Why should I?"

	I shrugged.  "I got the impression you were in love with him."

	She guffawed.

	"He misses you, you know."

	"It's not polite to get involved in other people's business."

	"You're not one to talk."  I pointed at the painting again.

	A grin spread across her face.  "And here I thought you had
learned nothing."

	Bram did not return and I spent the rest of the time discussing
with Kama about Kenneth and my trip to Florida.  While the night
did not turn out as she had planned, I left feeling more secure
and happier than when I had entered.