Chapter 13
Normally after an episode like this, Keir would put me in his
room and have me serve him for days. It only underscored their
uncaring attitude when this didn't happen.
I hate what the vampire's have done to me. I hate what I've
become. Now I can't even escape by dying. They really have
taken everything from me. How could I ever think it'd be
possible for me to help the slaves? I can't even help myself.
Hell, I can't even solve a simple riddle. Not that it mattered
now. Apparently my whole search had been for naught.
"The nose knows? Ha!" What a joke. I was such an idiot to
think anything I did mattered. Prophecy or no. I walked down
the hall to my room. What I really wanted was a nice, warm
shower to help wash away all this dead skin that was beginning
to peel off. Unfortunately, I didn't have a shower, so I'd have
to go all the way to the gym, looking like this. Well, I'd at
least get a change of clothes first.
I looked at the plain door to my room and sighed. Maybe I
should get something to go there like a dragon poster. I'd love
a clown face like Erik had to honor him but that'd probably just
make me depressed. Seeing that big wide grin everyday and that
honking big-
"The nose knows!" Damn, why didn't I see it before? I burst
inside and immediately started pacing trying to scan people's
thoughts to see if they'd seen it recently. Nothing. Either I
was concentrating too hard or it was gone. Abel hadn't seen it
in the warehouse. I even tried those that had the pitiable job
of working the burners. Nothing.
Of course I would hit another dead end. I mean, come on, you
didn't think it would be that easy did you? No, nothing ever
goes easy in my life. Not even my death!
I felt exhausted. This was stupid worrying about a damn poster
that probably had nothing to do with the book in the first
place.
I plopped face first onto my bed. God, that hurt! I didn't
even get to close my eyes before I heard the sound of thunder
rumbling down the hall. I realized I hadn't closed my door. I
sat up to do so.
The door slammed aside with a bang. "Toni!" Bram was upon me
before I could get my own thoughts straight.
Love is a confusing thing. One day I can't be without Bram and
another I don't want him near me. One day he makes me laugh and
the next I'm infuriated by him. However, every time there's
even a prospect of losing him I can't stand it and reel him in
closer. It's as if a piece of my heart is being torn off and so
I know I can never be apart from him. Right now, all I wanted
to do is kill him.
"Toni! Are you all right, honey? Why did you do that?" His
anger was boiling over but he didn't let it get to his voice.
Was he concerned for me? I would not believe it.
I pushed him away from me with such force he stumbled back a
couple of feet. His mind couldn't process it and he barely got
out, "Why?"
I pushed myself up off the bed. He looked at me with horror.
I let him have it, the same speech I gave Kama but this time it
was all in my mind and I blasted it his way. All the while I
was ushering him to the door.
"But-"
"I don't want to hear it." I slammed my door in his face.
He then just about blew it off its hinges. "I was out of town!
I turned the plane around the moment I felt what you were
doing!" He stormed in.
"I don't care." I grasped the back of the couch and dug my
nails into it. I had so much fury in me I wanted to rip it
apart.
Like a tornado he spun around the couch to face me. "I care!"
"Argh!" I clenched my fists. I wanted to punch him. Instead
I stomped away from him and slammed my burnt fist into the wall.
"Toni, don't!" He said as I was about to hit it again.
"What's wrong with you? Do you want to feel pain?"
"Yes, I need to. The pain it… It clears my head. It's like a
… A reset or something."
"So do you feel better?"
"No."
"Look, honey. There's nothing you can do. The only thing you
learned from this Stockholm thing is that it wasn't our fault."
"Bull!" My masterful debate skills at work.
"No, think about it. The reason you're upset is you realized
it wasn't something we'd done to manipulate you into loving us,
it was all you. Your brain processed the situation and realized
the only way to survive was to take our side. It's a
psychological reaction that comes from within yourself. A
survival instinct. The only one you have to blame is yourself."
"Go to hell!" There was more to it than that. I knew they
understood the psychology of it and had used it against us. Of
course now that I knew what happened, I could find a way to stop
it.
"There's no cure Toni."
"Leave Bram."
"There's treatment but-"
"Didn't I tell you to leave?"
"You wouldn't believe me if I told you we tried, would you?"
"I don't believe anything you say anymore."
"Not even that I love you."
"Especially not that." It panged my heart to say it. Deep,
deep, deep, down I knew it wasn't true, but I said it anyway
because right now I hated him. I hated his people. Mostly, I
hated myself.
"You-" I was going to yell more and I shoved my finger in his
face. I saw my own charred and peeling hand and my lip
quivered. I must look so repulsive to him. Yet he looked upon
me with love and concern.
My throat dried up and my eyes watered. In an instant he was
next to me and took me in his arms. His strong chest supported
my weight. A gush of wind left me as his touch pained me. Soon
I was too cozy to care about the pain and I closed my eyes
slipping into his embrace.
***
I woke naked and almost fully healed in Bram's arms. All my
dead skin was gone so I can only imagine he'd cleaned it up.
What a charming man to take care of me so.
He sensed my waking and made cooing noises to try to make me
fall back asleep. "Bram?" I curled into him.
"Hmmm?"
"Why are you here?"
"Because I love you."
"But I'm such a horrible person. I tried to kill myself. I
didn't think about you or how lonely you'd be without me. You
should hate me."
"How can I hate you for doing something you thought was right?"
"Don't Bram. You can't possibly know-"
"Toni." He rolled me over to look me in the eye. "Do you want
to know what happened the first month after my subortus?" He
didn't give me time to answer. "I killed a dozen people, double
that in horses, cows and sheep. I tried to burn myself as you
had, hell I even put a steak in my own heart. You know what I
learned from that?" I shook my head. "You can't hate yourself."
I bit my lip. I didn't hate myself. Did I? I wasn't sure
about anything anymore.
"You have to live with yourself, Toni. Find the good and
forgive the bad. It's what life is all about. If you hate
yourself then all you will do is destroy the one good thing left
in you." He poked me in the heart.
"I don't deserve to live." I finally mustered strength to say
it softly.
"Yeah, well, you're a vampire. It's not so easy to kill you.
So learn to deal with it." He leaned down and kissed me. "I
love you, no matter what you've done."
I sniffled back a tear. "You're one to talk." I tried to
smile. "You killed two dozen animals. That's not very
sporting."
He smirked at me and rubbed my hair. "That's my girl." He
laid back down putting his head on my bosom.
I stared at the ceiling, they had not painted it when they
painted the rest of the room, it was still plain concrete. I
began to see patterns in it and faces.
The room reminded me of Erik. Luckily, his voice didn't echo
in my head like Al's but I swore I felt his presence. I didn't
believe in ghosts at least not back then. Isn't it possible
that a released soul such as his, without a body to go directly
into, might hang out for a while? Or was I just going crazy and
this was a sign?
Erik's ghost pushed me to think about his riddle.
"Where is it?" I thought about the clown face so I didn't have
to use words.
"I don't know." Bram was so swift on the draw.
"Please tell me it wasn't burned."
"We don't normally. Usually we sell what we can't
redistribute."
"Thanks!" As much as I hated to, I pulled out from his arms
and threw the bed sheets aside.
I rushed to my laptop flung it open, powered it on. I checked
all logs on sales through the town when that came up empty I
checked all the on-line auctions using every keyword I could
think of with history over the last two years. I only slowed
down to wait for pages to load. The vampires may have designed
a faster computer that could keep up with my speed typing but
they had no control over the Internet.
Nothing.
If they didn't sell it, then it must still be here. I did what
I should have done first and that was to check if there had been
an invoice taken. I searched quickly around the intranet and
found there had. Everything was on there from the painting he
hung on the wall to the smallest snake in a can, except one big
nosed, clown face. What the hell? If it wasn't on the invoice,
where was it?
I turned to Bram. He still laid there watching me with
admiration. "It's nowhere!"
He shrugged. "Maybe someone took it."
"Yes, but who and why?"
"Well, you know. Some people may have an affinity for clowns."
I looked at him with hooded eyes. That was a suspicious
answer. "Bram? What aren't you telling me?"
"I told you I don't know where it is."
"What is with you people!?" I stomped my foot. "Just because
you don't know its exact location, doesn't mean you don't have a
general idea. Tell me!"
He looked away from my stern gaze.
"Kama has it." I concluded from his silence and maybe
something in his head.
"Why are you two always conspiring against me?" I dressed as
quickly as I could.
"Toni we're-" I was out the door and heard the word "not." in
my head. I blocked all other protestations out as I headed for
the Mistress' room.
I fumed so much steam must have been coming out of my ears.
What was with these people? Did they enjoy making me run around
like a stupid two year old playing monkey in the middle?
I let Kama know I was coming. It kind of seemed like déjà vu:
me breaking in on her and her with a slave at her mercy. At
least this time she'd have time to compose the scene before I
got there. When I did Isabelle was shackled to the bed but at
least I didn't have to look at her bare ass as it was covered
with a sheet.
I didn't even need to ask for the grotesque clown poster. Kama
stood with it waiting for me. "Thank you." I said reaching for
it.
She didn't relinquish it. "Aren't you going to ask what I'm
doing with it?"
"No."
"Not even an apology for earlier?"
I bit my tongue, literally. She had something I wanted,
something I'd put a lot of effort into finding and if I needed
to I'd get on my knees to get it.
"I'm sorry." Kama said before I opened my big mouth.
"What?" She thought I didn't believe her apology.
"It was wrong of me to be so insensitive to your problem. I
should have been more consoling. You're right. Bram is the one
who should have been there. He would have handled it better. I
was just upset over…" She trailed off but not before her memory
flickered by Kenneth looking blankly at her as if he'd never
known her.
"I'm sorry." I said and meant it.
"It's all right dear." She placed a warm hand on my cheek.
"Here."
She handed me the bulky poster and then hugged me. "I hope you
don't regret this." She said in my head.
I tried to question her but she'd already turned her mind to
Isabelle and I really didn't want to be there for that.
I tried not to think about it too much but I ran to my hiding
place that held the box. In case I was wrong I didn't dig it
out before I ripped the nose right off the poster. There taped
to the inside was a delicate key. I slid to the ground grateful
that my search had finally ended.
Inside the bottom of a crate of cigarettes I lifted out my
metallic box. From that I carefully took the book. I examined
the key. I wasn't entirely sure it would fit the lock. It was
longer than I thought the lock deep. It was shaped a little
like the hole in the lock. There was only one way to be sure.
I placed the end of the key into the lock. It hit the back of
the lock. I twisted. It didn't move.
"God damn stupid-!" In my frustration I shoved the key at an
odd angle. I hadn't seen a hinge in the key but it bent at a
right angle and slipped into the lock. I stared at it
flabbergasted. "I'll be a…" The lock wasn't open yet, but with
another simple twist of the key, "click!"
My hands shook as I bent the lock away from the cover and
peeled the top flap back. I slowly turned the cover over to
look at the first page. There was no title page, no table of
contents, and the first words on that page were "Bram and
Kristen." What followed was a list of seven names, Wesley,
Ambros, Isold, Arwen, Uther, Yeniver, and L'Bram. Each of these
names was associated with others and had names under them. Each
name had dates and locations listed with them.
I quickly realized what I was looking at was Bram's family
tree.
It was something that had never occurred to me. Bram had a
family at one time. He had a wife and children. His decedents
were roaming around this planet somewhere completely unaware
that their
great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great
-great- grandfather was still alive. Was this why Heremon and
the Queen tried to stop me? To keep me from learning that Bram
had once loved another. No, that was too silly. Neither of
them would care about that.
I flipped slowly through the pages. None of the names looked
familiar. No, wait. That one, Renate, when pronounced with a
bit of a German accent… Nah, that didn't make any sense. My
brain was playing tricks on me.
At least I believed that until a few pages later. The name
D'Arcy popped out at me. Now where had I heard that name
before? Damn, no other memories have evaded me since becoming a
vampire, why were these now?
I looked for other familiar names, like Darika and didn't see
anything. I thought maybe Netikerty created this family tree
was because she was in it, but no; her name did not appear.
Besides, she had been around before Bram, hadn't she? I knew
she had been the one to create it because the writing was the
same style as in the journal. Towards the end it had changed,
perhaps Erik had taken over after Netikerty's death.
So I was left with another mystery. Who were these people and
why did I recognize their names? Perhaps it was a fluke and my
familiarity with them was nothing.
Maybe… Maybe they weren't memories. The names were fuzzy,
like in a dream. Yeah, maybe I had heard the names and they
worked their way into my dreams. Those were just dreams weren't
they? I shook my head. I was reading more into this than I
should be.
I noted several marks by some of the names but there was no
reference as to what they meant. Renate and D'Arcy had them as
well. Were these people Bram had contacted? Were they people
of some importance to their community? The names were no clue
other than they all seemed to be female. Maybe they were just
people Erik had dated?
As I looked, a thought crossed my mind. Why was Erik holding
onto this? Why hadn't he given it to Bram? Why had he been so
secretive about it?
I skipped to the end to see if I could find an answer. I found
a bunch of blank pages. Obviously this family tree was not
going to be getting smaller. I turned back to the last page
with an entry on it and stared in disbelief when I realized I
recognized the names. Lance and Glenna, under that my mother's
name, Doreen with my father Ted and below theirs my sister
Shiela and my own name there in black and white Antoniette.
"Damn."
This wasn't Bram's family tree. It was mine.
It was both.
I was one of Bram's unsuspecting decedents?
I slammed the book shut threw it back in the box, shoved it
under my arm and ran. I didn't stop running until I had
practically broken through my door and stood before Bram who
still waited there for me. "What the hell is this? Why didn't
you tell me?" These words had already reached him before I was
in the hall leading to my room. He waited to answer them until
I arrived.
"I was wondering when you would open the box." He gestured for
me to take a chair and walked for the liquor cabinet.
"Will you stop being so damn apathetic? No, I don't want a
drink and I don't want a seat. I want answers!"
"You've learned a lot lately Toni, I'm afraid you-"
I stopped him before he could finish. "This won't overload my
brain. Just tell me the truth."
"Sit." He gestured again with a glass in his hand. "The truth
takes a while to sink in."
Finally I sat. I still didn't take the proffered glass. He
drank half of his glass then sat himself. "The King didn't want
you to know. Erik went through a lot of trouble keeping the
secret that he had given you the book. We both had hoped that
you would have opened it a long time ago. Many things would
have been easier for you to understand."
"Such as?"
"Such as some of the relationships you've experienced with
people here. I'm afraid I still can't give you details about
the information in that book. The King simply will not allow
it. That's why we were hoping you would have found it earlier.
Knowing you, you would have gone digging and figured it out
yourself.
"As it is, I can only say this. Yes, you are a decedent of
Kristen and me. Yes, there are good reasons for the King to
keep this from you.
"Perhaps the most important point is; this has no bearing on my
feelings for you."
"Um… Isn't this kind of like incest?"
He smirked. "Enough generations have passed and there is
enough blood mixed into the works that we practically are not
related at all. If we could have offspring, which is quite
impossible as we're both vampires now, they would not in anyway
have detrimental side effects."
"Why wasn't I told about this before? I mean why keep it so
secret?"
"Isn't it obvious?"
"No." Then a moment later without listening in on his
thoughts, "This has to do with the prophecy?"
"I can't answer that." We said in unison.
"Of course not." I pouted. I hated being denied answers and
he knew it. I think he thought I would try to dig deeper as he
started to physically distract me rubbing my thigh. It wasn't
his mind that I wanted to dig into. The King knew all the
answers but I knew I couldn't get into his mind undetected. It
would have to wait.
Even without probing him I kind of knew the truth. "So… No one
would tell me of my heritage for fear of me knowing I was really
the one in the prophecy? I mean how stupid is that? Everyone's
pretty much already assumed that."
"Actually, there's more to it than that."
"Such as?"
"Toni, I've already told you too much."
I pouted. It wasn't fair, what more was there than the
prophecy? Yet another of a billion mysteries. I was tiring of
them.
"Of course you know the book's not about the prophecy or me.
It's about you."
"What do you mean? I'm descended from you. Netikerty followed
your lineage."
"Don't be so sure." I raised my eyebrows indicating he should
go on. He wrung his hands. I could feel the nervousness in
him. I think he figured he'd be punished for telling me
anything more but he did. "Netikerty followed only certain
traits. There could be billions of names in that book, but
there's not. You see many of the lines just end, it's not
because the person died, well in some cases it is, but in most
there was no reason to follow those descendants down the line.
Netikerty had researched this well and knew the traits that a
line should have. She passed this knowledge and the book down
to Erik. Unfortunately, that knowledge died with him."
"So? Does it really matter? I'm the end of the line right?"
He wouldn't look me in the eye. "My wife wasn't exactly a
normal person. You're not just descended from me. It's she
whom you've truly taken after."
"What do you mean?"
Bram shifted uneasily. Obviously he's pushing his luck. "The
King saw it in his vision, he saw… He saw Kristen's face. He
knew a decedent of hers would be his killer."
"He saw her face?" The memory of the King's vision would never
leave my mind. "Bram I'm confused. I thought he saw me?"
"He did." He smiled and moved in next to me now. He took my
face in his hand and brushed my cheek. "You are a spitting
image of her, my wife, my love." He kissed me and it all made
sense.
"So… Do I just look like her, or is there more?" I knew the
answer, I could feel it in him and I could see it in his eyes.
"Much more. In many ways you are her, in some you are
completely different."
"Reincarnated?"
"Yes."
"So… We've been through this before? The prophecy, vampirism,
love, death?"
"No, not exactly. This is the first time you've become a
vampire and with hope, the last."
"Yipee." I said with absolutely no enthusiasm.
I sat in Bram's arms comfortably falling asleep. I'd been
through so much I was exhausted. "So that's what you meant when
you said 'I want the woman I fell in love with back.' You
didn't mean how I was before you people ruined me. Her, you
want me to be more like her."
He nodded solemnly.
"How much am I like her?"
"Your looks, your personality… Your soul."
"My soul?" He's mentioned that before. I thought back to a
night what seemed centuries ago. "That's what you meant before,
when you first hit on me, you said you've always loved my soul.
Then later when we first made love you thought of a woman that
seemed like me but different and in your mind I heard; 'I have
found her, and I will never abandon her again.' You were
talking about Kristen."
He smiled sheepishly but didn't answer. I kissed him.
I don't know why I ever hated him. Why I ever doubted him.
He'd waited for me, all these years. Then found me and did
everything in his power to keep me near him. And he stuck with
it through all the crap and how horrible I've been to him. God,
what a fool I was!
I wanted to show him my appreciation, my loyalty. He knew and
he kissed me deeply. But he didn't let me give myself to him,
not yet. He held me and petted my hair. And softly said, "I
love you."
"I love you too." I whispered back.
After a few minutes I flipped to the first page again. Who was
Kristen and how had she fallen in love with Bram? And seven
children? I couldn't imagine having one let alone seven. But
to raise them with Bram, this is something I would have done in
a heart beat. I'd give him as many children as he'd wish to
have.
"Uther? Arwen? Yeniver, and Isold? Did you have any
originality at all in naming your kids?"
Bram smirked. "They were all Kristen's idea. I didn't have
much say in the matter. I think she was trying to pay tribute.
Over the years I've learned to see the irony. She -- you have a
twisted sense of humor."
"Gee, thanks. I'd never name one of my kids after a Tolkien
Elf."
He laughed, "Believe me at the time, had I known, I might have
argued harder."
"And the others? Arthurian references-"
"Yes, well, those I approved of."
"Really? Why?"
He looked away. Obviously he didn't want to tell me. There
were so many questions I had. I knew not all of them could be
answered. But so many things were popping into my head at once
it was hard to concentrate on only one.
"What about the others?"
"Others?
"Yeah, other lives, obviously I can't be the only one."
He remained silent.
"I saw a couple names in there that I recognized. Renate and
D'Arcy. I think I dreamt about them once. Are they-"
"Toni." He put a finger to my lips.
This reinforced my belief. Maybe, if he showed me how to
control my memories as he did my telepathy, I could get the
answers for myself. I would know about the children my
counterpart had, the dreams I've had, and then maybe learn who I
really was so I could figure out if I would fulfill this stupid
prophecy or not.
"Bram, please help me recover these memories."
He looked back at me. He felt pleased that I wanted that, but
also sad. "I don't know if I can. I want to but-"
"I know the King."
"Yes, that and it's not as easy as you just starting to
remember these things instantly. It takes work and to begin
with guidance. And some as I mentioned I'm not allowed to." He
thought for a moment. "There is one." He smiled at my happy
reaction. "The one I'm about to show you will be easy, as it's
a shared memory."
"Shared?"
"Yes, I was there too. You won't have much control this first
time. You'll barely be able to keep yourself in the memory.
We'll go over the memory again later and slowly you'll gain more
control."
I took a deep breath. "Okay."
"Close your eyes." He spoke softly in my ear. I wasn't sure
if the goose bumps were from his closeness, my anticipation, or
the chill I felt in the memory.
I felt Bram entering my mind and he quietly said to me, "I want
to show you something." I started to feel sleep coming on and
wondered how he could show me something while I was asleep.
"Look deep into yourself." Bram said to me as I was half awake.
"There was a time we met before. You and I, in love. Outside
of here."
I followed him into the depths of my mind. It was not my life
that I was following him to, but it was still my life though I
didn't understand at first. I felt sick as I basically flew
back beyond my age and into another. I opened my eyes as if
woken by water being thrown on my face.
***
Surprisingly I found there was indeed water being splashed on
my face. Water from the splash back of the bow of the boat.
Not a boat, a small yacht on a large lake. I looked down at
myself to find I was in a dress, as if that wasn't strange
enough, it was in the fashion of the mid 1930's. "What the
hell's going on here?" I asked myself, as I didn't realize
there was someone else standing next to me.
"We're in the year 1937. In your last life before the one
you've known as Toni." Bram answered my rhetorical question.
"My last life?"
"You've been reincarnated more than once."
"Yes, I know but…" I was speechless, again. "So this is what
you really meant by loving my soul. Not just Kristen and I, but
others. How long? How long have you gone through this? How
many times? You're over a thousand years old, and my souls that
old too I'd gather."
"Older than I am." He placed a kind hand on my shoulder. He
massaged it trying to distract me again. "You're reliving the
life you had before. Can you feel it? You know everything that
had happened in that life until this point." I looked into
myself as he had instructed, into the past. I was amazed as I
uncovered a whole life. One that had been mine. I saw myself
as a child growing up in Nebraska with my older sister, going to
school, laughing playing. There was nothing concerning vampires
in this life. Much like my own life had been: happy but with
something missing. Until recently as I entered my last year of
high school, as in this life I was only 17, I found a man. Not
just any man, and now that I look at it, it seems he found me.
"You've seen glimpses of this life."
"I have?"
"Oh, yes. You once nearly drowned in the pool. At that time
you saw something, didn't you?"
I thought back. It was easy enough now to remember. "I was
floating in the water and I had a daydream of being on a boat
and then falling overboard. That's when I started to drown in
the pool."
"Yes, but it wasn't a daydream."
"No?"
"It was a memory." He cocked his head. "Well, you embellished
it a little."
"What?"
"Your father had even told you about it a long time ago."
"The daydream stemmed from that memory of my father." I knew
that much already.
"And what if I told you, your father had been right. He had
seen into the past. He had seen your past life."
"I'd think you were crazy."
"You don't really believe that." He said calmly and he was
right.
"No. But how do you know? I mean it can't be true can it?"
"It is true. I was there."
"Where? You were with my dad when he told me?"
"No, I was there, on the boat, this boat."
It finally sank in. "The man I imagined kissing me-"
"Was me." He stopped me from asking anymore questions. "What
you saw, that time and others were just fragments of memories.
I can help you recover this memory in full. Would you like
that?"
"I don't know." The memory of drowning in the pool was enough,
did I need this other as well.
"There is more than this one memory. If you learn how to
recover it, the others will come in time."
"Other memories?" I thought about the marks by the names on
the family tree. I was right about Renate and D'Arcy after all.
"Yes."
"I thought you said the King wouldn't allow it."
Bram smirked awkwardly, "He can't stop me in here." He kissed
me softly on the forehead.
I shook my head. There was something keeping me from looking
into this. Something inside me didn't want to know about them.
There was no reason to. "Why?"
"Because you might understand a little more about yourself."
It wasn't really a good enough answer for me but I didn't want
to press the point.
"I thought you told me you couldn't enter dreams."
"First off, we can we just can't manipulate them. Second, it
isn't a dream." He explained. "The mind is capable of many
things, in this instance dredging up a memory that you didn't
know you had, one left over from another life. I just showed
you how to access it, and inserted myself in my own place.
Nothing fancy." Nothing fancy? Lord, if he wanted to he could
really screw with someone's head.
Bram wouldn't do that, would he? Wouldn't it be sweet to use
something like that against Keir? You are not to kill or
otherwise harm another gens member. The damn rule popped up in
my mind. It sounded more like a commandment and probably was.
I guess I can't after all. I liked fantasizing about it though.
Wondering exactly what kind of memories Keir would have from
his life before the vampires.
Kama would make an interesting study case. Somehow I got the
impression she had been this sweet old lady at one point. Kama,
who would whip me for even thinking such a thing! Imagine me
dredging up old memories of her kindness, definitely not like
that night she.... I fell from a rooftop, the sensation was so
realistic I knew I'd hit the ground soon. The memory popped
back in my head. For some reason it was different this time. I
didn't see a savage monster reaching out to strike her falling
prey one more time. I saw a friend in tears, reaching out
trying to save me as I spiraled towards the ground, knowing she
was too late.
"Then the dream I had about Kama, pushing me off the rooftop…?"
"Was no dream, it was a memory, a premature one, that's why she
bit you that night as she did, to wake you from it and hopefully
make you forget it. Your unconscious was beginning to awaken
with those memories, displaying it as a dream is just a defense
mechanism to prevent you from being shocked by the sudden
remembrance."
"Since when did you become a psychologist?"
"Actually I have read quite a few…"
"Bram." I stopped him. I wasn't interested in an explanation.
He knew it was a rhetorical question.
I leaned over the bow of the ship. I looked out to the moonlit
night and realized that the only time in this life I ever spent
with Bram was at night. If I had realized that then, would it
be different now?
All of a sudden I saw fish swimming in the wake of the boat.
"Glenna, isn't it wonderful!?" I turned excitedly.
My sister, Glenna, lounged in her chair and put her book down.
Lance looked up from over her shoulder. "The night's beautiful."
It astonished me to see two people that I had not recognized
in my memory, but I recognized immediately now. "Momo, Popo."
I said breathlessly. I wanted to rush to them to talk to them
to ask them about this time.
I couldn't move though because Bram's grip on my shoulder
tightened. Bram whispered in my ear. "You can't address them
that way. Here they are your sister and her fiancee."
"They're not married yet?"
"They just announced their engagement, that's what we're
celebrating here today."
"Oh." Again I looked into that life and found he was telling
the truth. My sister had just told me about their engagement
yesterday. My boyfriend, Bram, and I had arranged for the
yacht. The two looked happier than I've seen them in my own
life. Of course they were a good deal older than with kids and
grandkids, which I am one. I couldn't believe my eyes seeing my
grandmother like this, tall, strong, fair skinned. Too bad I
didn't look like that when I was a kid, of course in this life I
did. Here I was Eilis; tall, slender and a little dorky
looking. Glenna was helping me overcome the latter one.
I looked back at the happy couple. Popo always seemed so big
and mean, especially to me the youngest of his grandkids. He
would yell at me for being too loud and --
"Stay with me. You're Eilis here, not Toni." Bram tightened
his hold on me. "Focus on me, stay in this moment." He kissed
me. With that my sister's laughter and the smell of the ocean
became more intense. I could sense things from a different
angle too. I think Bram was using some of his own memories to
enhance mine.
As I stood there, that life took over me. The salty air, the
movement of the boat and the pure pleasure of being around
family contributed to this. I no longer felt like Toni the
outsider in these memories. I was Eilis. Bram, he was still
Bram, but now Bram my boyfriend, not Bram the vampire. In fact,
I as Eilis had no idea what I was getting myself into. My
parents had been a little upset at Eilis … me, for becoming
involved with an older man. They thought he would take
advantage of me. I guess they were right.
He took me to the stern of the yacht and I watched the bright
stars on the black, night sky. He stood behind me, wrapping his
large arms about my shoulders and started swaying. I love when
he does that. It seemed the perfect moment and time almost
stood still. "I love looking to the stars."
"They call to you don't they?" His voice was sad. Even I as
Eilis knew him well enough to pick out such subtleties.
Why was he sad? Had I done something to upset him? I couldn't
think of what that would be. We were rather happy together.
Was he sad that my sister was getting married and we weren't?
That seemed silly, I was still young and I knew he would wait at
least a short time. He seemed so happy yesterday, but this
entire voyage was overlaid with melancholy.
I shivered slightly even in his warm embrace. As the loving
man, he is he rubbed my shoulders and said. "You're cold. I'll
go get you a sweater."
He left me there standing alone leaning over the railing
staring at the sky. For some reason I felt the need for
exhilaration. I climbed halfway onto the railing. I felt so
alive! The wind blasting past me was freezing but what a
wonderful sensation. I felt as if nothing could touch me and so
inspiration struck. I left the safety of the middle rail and
climbed to the top one only holding lightly onto a thin pole.
Wow what an experience! To be completely free! I loved this.
That is until the yacht started turning. My invulnerability
quickly shrank away and I felt myself beginning to lose my
balance. I leaned the wrong way! My ankle twisted. Was that a
hand on my back I felt?
I fell.
I was waiting for the hard wood of the deck to crack my skull,
instead it was water my head hit, nor was it soft water. I
think I might have strained a few muscles perhaps even broke a
bone or two in the fall. Yet that wasn't my concern. I had yet
to learn how to swim. The waves in the wake of the boat were
huge. I thrashed about in the water trying to find something to
grab onto. There was nothing even the yacht wasn't close.
The yacht, oh yes, they had noticed my fall. I had heard the
cry of "man overboard" and it began to slow. I saw people rush
to the stern and the crew grabbed the life preserver, but even
then I knew it was too late. It was dark and they couldn't see
me. I had swallowed a lot of water in my exertion to stay above
water, and seeing my friends there with worried looks on their
faces didn't help. Worse, I knew I was sinking, I knew I was
dying, and I looked to Bram. He didn't look worried, not at
all. The last thing I remember was his eyes, eyes that held
infinite sadness, so dark I thought I would never see light
again.
By: Christine Schnell
