Episode 3: Trial and Error
Chapter 14
Then I woke up. I saw those sad eyes again, looking down at
me. This time they were sad for another reason. They were
apologizing to me.
"Why did you do it?" I asked him with tears in my eyes. My
disorientation lasted a little as I realized I was no longer in
the water.
I wasn't angry at him, I was very sad for him, for I felt how
much it had hurt him to do it and to now relive it. It was
after all he who had made me fall into the water. Oh sure he
didn't push me, he was on the other side of the boat when it
happened, and I'm sure they termed it an accident.
It wasn't though. He controlled my thoughts, made me climb
onto the railing, and just at the right time made me lose my
balance. He was at fault and now he wanted forgiveness. Yet
even at this time he still couldn't bring himself to believe
that it was really he who had killed that poor young woman.
"The King-"
"No, Bram, I don't want to hear that the King told you to or
that he didn't allow our relationship. I want to know why you
did it. Why didn't you do for me then what you did for me in
this life?"
"Don't misunderstand, I loved her, as much as I love you but
Eilis wasn't ready. Physically or mentally to fulfill the
prophecy, she couldn't do it."
"You believe I am ready to fulfill the prophecy in this life?"
"I wouldn't have brought you here otherwise."
"Oh great, thanks. Spare me from my boring life so that I can
become a vampire. That still doesn't change the fact that you
killed her!"
"I helped her die before one of the others got to her."
"Oh nice, a mercy killing." He didn't like my sarcasm.
He shook his head. He didn't feel I could understand his
motives.
"Why dump her overboard? It's so cruel, insensitive."
"Because I loved her just as I love you."
"Bull, if you did you would have drained her, I wouldn't be
going through this and we'd be together forever. Screw the
prophecy, you know this is all we want."
"Toni, that is not the kind of fate I would ever want for you."
"And this is?!"
"I didn't want this for you either!" He burst out.
"What?"
"You think I want you to drink blood for the rest of your life?
You-"
I couldn't believe it. He was lying straight to my face.
"Forget it." I got up to walk out on him.
"Toni, come on. Please you don't understand."
"What I understand is you're lying. I won't listen to another
word until I hear the truth come from your lips."
Bram looked about to say something, then thought better of it.
He bit his lip and I moved towards the door. "Okay, I want to
be with you forever but I didn't want to drain you, and I'd
rather it had been me who died so we could go on living together
in another life. But this-" He gestured to the room then
nodded slowly. "Yeah, okay, maybe I wanted you to be a vampire.
It is the only other option for us to be together."
"Then-"
"The King did tell me I couldn't be your genitor but that
wasn't all there was to it. I was afraid."
"I know of the King."
"No, of myself."
"You were afraid of draining me?"
He shook his head he didn't seem to want to tell me and when I
probed he blocked me. Great, I was beginning to think he would
hide everything from me. "You won't understand, at least not
yet, not until you recover more memories."
"Great. Way to avoid the question."
"Toni-"
"I'm done Bram. You want to continue this conversation, let
alone relationship, you have to be forthcoming with me."
He seemed resigned now that he believed my threat. "Look,
there are many different thoughts on how we become a vampire. I
know you think it's some kind of virus. What I believe is when
you make someone a vampire you give them a piece of your soul."
"This is a bad thing? We're already connected. Hell according
to you we already share blood to a certain degree."
"It's not the same." He shook his head.
God, why was he blocking me, if he wasn't right now I'd be able
to see what he meant and straighten this all out.
"Then help me understand."
"Well… I'd be losing a piece of myself."
"Didn't seem to bother you with Erik."
"And…" He stressed trying to get me back on track. "I was a
little afraid I couldn't be around you when you acted as I do."
"What?"
"I'm not proud of who I am. If you became like me-"
"I'm not Keir!"
"I didn't say that!"
"No, but you implied it. I don't have a piece of him in me. I
don't feel him nor do I act like him!"
"Yes, you do, from time to time." I could tell he was a little
tickled at this.
"I do not. Besides, Kama doesn't act like Heremon." I
countered.
"Sure she does. Why do you think she's so manipulative?"
"You're all manipulative. You're even infecting me with it!"
"Toni don't be so paranoid."
"Just because you're paranoid, doesn't mean there's not someone
out to get you."
"Well, in this case there's not." Bram folded his arms
stubbornly.
"Right, and I'm supposed to believe you?"
"I've told you the truth."
"Yes, like you told me the truth about my reincarnations."
"I never lied to you about them."
"Maybe not, but you hid it from me that's as good as lying.
Besides, who says you're telling me the truth about them. You
could be making it all up."
"Why would I do that?" I could feel the anger beginning to
boil in him. He didn't like where this was going.
"Why hide it from me to begin with? I don't know, but you
obviously have your reasons. So maybe your reasons for telling
me these things are to make me feel some sort of connection to
you. I don't know. I don't care at this moment. I just am
tired of you people using things to get me to do what you want.
I mean what's the point of Erik and the Queen giving me this
book but telling me not to look at it and to keep it safe? You
obviously knew about it but didn't tell me what it was. Come on
Bram doesn't this all just sound kind of fishy to you?"
He gritted his teeth trying to remain calm. He took more than
a minute trying to think of how he could explain it to me. He
obviously blocked me from all the excuses he was building up but
I knew what he was doing. Finally he decided on one.
"If you knew something about me, something I didn't know, but
was not good and could likely hurt me, would you tell me?"
"What like how messed up in the head you are?"
"Hypothetically. It doesn't even have to be about me. If you
knew something that has the potential devastate me, but I'd be
fine if I never knew, would you tell me?"
"If it's necessary that you know."
"If it's not?"
"I guess not." I shrugged.
"Then see. It's not necessary for you to know about your past
lives, hence why I didn't tell you."
"I think it's necessary. It matters. I mean I could learn
things from my so called past."
"Look at it this way, most people go their whole lives and
don't even know they've lived before. It doesn't affect them.
It's not necessary for them to know. Certainly, it's useful
information but you still could have fulfilled the prophecy
without ever knowing."
"Still, your descendant! You could have at least told me.
Don't you think that was just slightly an important piece of
information? At least on a personal level? It wouldn't have
any effect on the prophecy. So don't tell me the King didn't
want me to know."
"No, I didn't want you to know."
"What?" I read the reason in his mind why he thought this but
I wasn't trusting these sensations at the moment. I stopped
myself. "No, you're right. I really don't want to know that.
I wish I never knew it." I paced a little bit. "This whole
thing is stupid. I mean don't you think it's just a little bit
of a coincidence that out of all the possible reincarnations, I
the 'fulfiller of the prophecy' comes from your loins?"
"No, it's not a coincidence at all."
"Oh come on. I could have been a flower in this life for all
you knew."
"You're right. I wouldn't have known if you were. However, I
do know when you're incarnated as a human. I've always found
you and I always will."
"A human that looks and acts similar to me? Come on! That's
just a little too convenient."
"Look, I don't know. Sure you could have been born a man at
some point, but I've never found you like that. It's possible
because we're soul mate-"
"Yeah right."
If he lied about the family tree how can I be certain all of
this wasn't a lie too? How could I know that anything he told
me was the truth? I always thought I could feel the truth in
him but do I really know I did? Do I really know that it wasn't
him planting a suggestion that he was telling the truth in my
head? If I just wanted to believe him so much, then I myself
made me think I could feel the truth in him? If he lied about
one thing and could manipulate my thoughts on the other, what
other things had he done that with? How could I know if
anything was true?
"Why did you do it? How could you?" I burst.
"Do what?"
"You lied to me! You said you'd never lie to me. How do I
know you're telling me the truth about any of this?"
"I didn't exactly lie before and why would I lie now?"
"Because it's fun to confuse me!"
I couldn't take it. It was all too much. I couldn't believe I
was his soul mate anymore than I could be descended from him and
some woman that "wasn't exactly a normal person." I've always
believed in reincarnation but this was all too coincidental. I
couldn't be a replica of some woman. There would be differences
in circumstances, and environment; too many variables.
"Hence why you're more suitable and Eilis was not."
"God! What a cop out. Come on. I'm no more suitable than any
of my incarnations.
"What's more, you expect me to believe that I'm descended from
Eilis's sister but I have Eilis' soul? That doesn't even make
sense."
"Sure it does. It's still the same bloodline. The soul
follows the blood. It was very possible that it wouldn't have
been her. See." He opened the book to the end of the tree and
pointed at another branch of the tree. "Berta here was the next
likely candidate to have a child that would bare your soul.
That is the strongest line and has born three of your
incarnations. However, things happen that even we don't
understand, any of these can be the next incarnation, and it
just so happened that two were born on the same branch in a row.
It's not unheard of, but not the average either."
I still couldn't believe it.
"Okay, so if this is all true, why didn't the King just kill
off all your… I mean our kids?"
"That's harder than you might imagine. It was hard enough just
keeping track of them. Kristen kept them safely hidden most of
the time and taught them how to evade us. She was quite
brilliant in strategy."
"Netikerty did, so why didn't the King use that info to kill
us?"
"He would have had she not kept it from him."
"Why? Why keep it a secret?"
"She kept it secret from the King as a favor to me. I wanted
it secret so I could eventually have you."
"Well, you have me so now what?"
"Now, I'm trying to keep you." He said with just a little bit
of a loving tone.
"Prove it." I crossed my arms now.
"Excuse me?"
"Prove that I'm your decedent."
"You have the book-"
"So? How do I know you didn't throw this together for my
benefit, to make me think I was so that you could manipulate me
into doing your dirty work for you and kill the King."
He rubbed his forehead. "Toni, please. There is no
conspiracy. I was simply an idiot not to tell you. You could
test our DNA but I doubt you'll find anything other than a
generic trace back to Europe. You are descended from me, you
know in your heart and head what I've said about your
reincarnation is true. You are an incarnation of my dead wife
and that is all that matters to me. There's no way I can prove
it though that you would believe me. I don't care if you
fulfill the prophecy. I don't care if you drink blood. All I
care about is being with you."
I stared at him fighting the tears that were welling in my
eyes. I didn't want to believe any of it. It was so much
simpler just to believe he was lying. It was easier not to
accept that I have lived many lives, because not believing that
would mean those things I've seen in my dreams aren't true. All
the horrible things like falling off a rooftop, vampires
attacking from above, Heremon and the Queen killing me would all
just be simple dreams and I'd ignore all the same type in the
future.
The problem was I knew these weren't dreams. My gut, heart,
and head all said the same thing, they did the moment I saw my
name in that book. Somehow Netikerty had followed all of my
ancestors and through each of their incarnations determined
which ones were me and recorded it in the log. It made me
wonder, how much of a detailed history she might have. I knew
there was no way I could find out, if she kept this book locked
up then who knows what she would have done with something like
that. Heaven knows it wasn't in her safe in my room with her
journal. So still there was no proof.
How could I be certain about anything? Nothing made sense
anymore.
"How do I know if I truly love you?"
"Huh?" I threw him off guard. Obviously he hadn't been
reading my thoughts.
"It's just, how do I know any of this is real? I know I asked
before, but it's worse now that I know people's minds more and
with this whole fiasco. Is it possible for us to fake thoughts?
Can we make someone think we're not who we say we are. I mean,
like if Keir put a thought in my head, could he make me think it
was you doing it?"
"Still so paranoid. Toni, I love you, I know you love me. I
didn't force that in you. No one can."
I looked away from him. It wasn't really his love or my love
for him that I was questioning.
"What's this about?"
"Well, it's just… I had a dream, a very realistic dream and in
it I loved Heremon."
"Oh?"
"Sick, I know, but then about a week ago, it was strange, like
I thought I had connected with you but was hurting you. Then
Heremon revealed it was him controlling it and I don't know, I'm
afraid he'll do it again. So how would I know when he does?"
"Well, there are different thought signatures. I can help you
distinguish mine from others."
"Thank you!" I couldn't tell him how grateful I was but I'm
sure he felt it. It was just so disturbing having Heremon do
that to me. Yet something still was unanswered. "I don't know
if I truly love you. I mean, I do love you, but how can I know
you're not just controlling me?"
He came over to me and held me tight. "Look in your heart. I
trust you to know the truth between your love and what someone
else has placed there."
"But if I could make Kenneth forget he loves Kama-"
"Do you really think you did?"
I shrugged. "I saw in Kama's mind he looked at her blankly,
like he didn't recognize her."
"But what did he feel?"
I blinked at him as the Master of all Things would have. "I
don't know, how could I? I wasn't there."
"Exactly. So don't despair. Emotions are much more
complicated than memory. Very few people can even touch them
and then there's no sure fire way to know it worked." He kissed
my hand. "Your love is true. Don't just take my word for it.
Feel it. I will tell you honestly I love you, not your
predecessors, not my former wife, you, Antoniette Aloise."
I looked into my heart as he said. I found he was the only one
there and I got a fuzzy kind of feeling when I thought about
him. I also was pretty sure Keir had controlled me, seduced me
and tricked me. I wouldn't let it happen again.
That's when it started getting ugly. Thoughts of someone else
entered my heart and I became repulsed. Was it all real or
wasn't it?
"And um… That dream about Heremon…" Bram hesitated.
"Yes?" God, he knew exactly what was on my mind. It was so
freaky sometimes.
"It wasn't anyone putting thoughts into your head."
I looked at him sideways. He was joking, right? He wasn't
implying what I was inferring was he? Of course I already knew
the answer to that. He just had to go and make it worse.
"You, as Renate, and he had two kids."
"Oh God." I dropped my face into my hands.
"Their progeny are running around Europe, staying central to
Germany now."
God, to think I could be a product of Heremon's loins. Ewwwww.
"No, you are from Ambros's branch. Renate was Yeniver's.
Completely unrelated other than Ambros and Yeniver were my
daughters." It still had a hard time swallowing it but for now.
I just needed time. Time to think and to digest. I especially
needed time to get over the fact that I ever liked Heremon in
any way let alone enough to have children with him. I just
couldn't think it possible.
We sat in silence for a while. I contemplating my thoughts and
he watching me. He knew my moods. He knew I slowly was coming
around. I just needed time for it to sink in.
I had so many questions but they still weren't fully formed in
my own mind. I knew that once I had more time to think away
from him I'd be able to think of what I wanted. It always
happened that way. I'd think of relevant things after the fact.
At least my mind wasn't racing at a million miles a minute now
so I know the rest would come in time. At the moment I wasn't
ready to kill myself again. Things were beginning to start to
make a little sense, which is scary in itself.
Bram cut the silence. "You know why no one came to your rescue
during your suicide attack, don't you?"
"No."
"We knew you wouldn't die."
"Oh, nice, so you just let me go out and mutilate myself,
because that's okay." Okay, obviously I wasn't completely
settled down yet.
"If you do recall, I wasn't here at the time but got here as
fast as I could." He didn't like me being so harsh to him and I
couldn't blame him. "However, we all must get a taste of the
sun sometime. Yours was just self inflicted. Now you know your
limits."
Yes, yes I did and I will not make the same mistakes twice.
Next time I'll find a way to do the task right.
"Next time?"
Damn. One of these days I'll learn to watch my thoughts
better. "Yes, next time. You don't honestly believe this
changes anything do you? I still don't want to be here."
"I was hoping once you learnt about your past you'd be more
willing to stay with me."
"Why? So you can have your wife back? Bram, I already knew I
was your soul mate. If that doesn't keep me here, this won't."
He dropped his head. "You'll find in time there's more to it
than that."
He left after some time knowing I needed time alone. I felt
ashamed for treating him harsly, but I was in no mood to talk
anymore.
***
Keir placed a piece of paper down in front of me. It was a
plain, white paper with a long list of names on it the last
being Bill Campbell. "What's this?" I asked.
"It's a list of all the people you've killed in your previous
lives and this one." Of course he knew that I knew now,
everyone probably did. There was no reason to keep it secret,
the secret wasn't that I had been reincarnated, it was that I
wasn't supposed to learn about them and thus learn from them.
Though I think Keir's taking this to another extreme. "Take it
and place it in the open next to your list of people I've killed
and see who's is longer."
"What of people you've killed in the past? I have only the
names of people who've died recently." I knew there had to be
some in the past. I knew his name was not next to any of the
dead on my list.
"Of course." He scribbled something on another sheet of paper.
There were only seven names on it.
"You've got to be kidding me. You've only killed seven people
in your entire life?" I asked.
"I did not count those whom I've killed randomly in battle."
"And the list of those you've claimed I killed?"
He knew what I was thinking.
"Some are vampires and some are human, but all premeditated
murder."
I looked at the list. There were at least two dozen names on
there. I knew now I had it in me to kill people but this… He
didn't list which of my past lives each of these occurred in.
Hell for all I knew I could have been a serial murder in one
lifetime and all the others pure. I knew better.
"If I'm so dangerous, why wouldn't the King just have someone
drain me and my soul therefore negating my reincarnations and
insuring I will not come back to kill him?"
"Don't give yourself so much credit." He laughed.
I looked at his short list again. It clicked for some reason
that all were female save Duka his son. Several of the names
seemed familiar. I knew where I'd seen them. "You've only
killed me?"
He chuckled. "Well, I wouldn't put it so bluntly, nor take
offense. After all, you are still alive. Some of your previous
incarnations have, how shall I put it… been a danger to the
gens. I did what was necessary."
"Great. Thanks. Now you expect me to trust you?"
"I am your genitor. I will not kill you." He paused perhaps
for effect, or maybe a thought just crossed his mind. "Unless
you force me."
He sat down next to me and started running his fingers through
my hair. I shivered. I wasn't sure if it was because I liked
what he was doing or not.
"Come on, what about random people who tasted good." He shook
his head. "Or one's the King ordered you to kill." He pointed
at the sheet. I couldn't be the only one the King ordered
killed. "Not even an accident?"
"No." Keir rubbed my thigh.
"That's impossible."
"No, and I'm not the only one. Do you know why we allowed that
list you've made to remain up? After a time, we realized, it
supports us more than tarnishes us."
"Yeah, right."
"Think about it. How many vampires are on your posted list?
Fifteen out of Eighty-two? The ones who are not on that list
maybe have a few kills over their entire lifetime. Far less
than you over the same amount of time. So you have no farther
to look than yourself for the true monster."
"I'm not." I said quietly. I'd deny it forever but there was
doubt in my mind.
"It's not your fault." He laughed. "You're a product of your
environment and your past lives."
"And my Genitor." I snapped remembering Bram's words of how I
acted like Keir
"It wasn't the King who didn't want you to know about the past.
It was Bram." He changed tactics and forcefulness of his
caresses.
"You lie." I pushed his hand away.
"No, Who'd been hiding this?" He spoke softly and easily while
he took hold of my chin forcing me to look at him. "Those under
Bram's influence. Why would the King hide from you your past?
Bram did because he is repulsed. He doesn't approve of all your
kills."
"That doesn't make any sense." I argued. "Bram's killed more
than I have."
"Yes, my point exactly. Your kills remind him of his own
inadequacy and of the one he supposedly loved, who was the worst
killer of them all. He wanted you and everyone else to forget
them and so he hid your family tree from you."
"But Erik gave it to me!"
"Where best to hide something than right under the nose of the
person from whom you're hiding it." Keir was down right giddy
over this.
"Keir, do you think just because I don't read your mind all the
time doesn't mean I can't? I know you're lying."
Is he or do I just want to believe he is lying? The thing was
I could sense he was telling the truth. So what does that mean?
They both can't be telling the truth? Could they? Maybe it
was just their own version of the truth? God I got a headache.
"Don't be so sure." He leaned in closer and I felt his hot
breath in my ear. "Bram can manipulate thoughts better than the
rest of us." I shook my head and his grip tightened on my chin.
"Do not let your emotions get in the way. He is not the prince
you believe him to be."
I've never thought him a prince but considering recent events
even my high esteem for him was falling.
Keir kissed me hard and as much as I hate to admit it all
thoughts of Bram disappeared from my mind. He pushed me back
onto the couch and began fondling me roughly. It didn't take me
long to let out all my frustration and begin to enjoy the
sensations.
I wrapped my legs around his broad back, arched towards him and
had a sudden urge to sink my teeth into his skin. I kissed his
salty, chocolate, skin and wet the spot I wanted with my tongue
and just as I felt my teeth extend to make the plunge he pulled
back a little.
"What?" I asked frustrated.
"I almost forgot. I ordered a special treat for you."
I saw what was in his mind. It wasn't a human's blood I
wanted. I bit him anyway.
He growled and pulled hard on my hair forcing my head back and
away from him. I licked his blood from my lips. It was about
all I got. "You trollop! I offer you a delicacy and this is
how you repay me?" He pried himself from me. "Get up!" I did
so. "Go sit in your chair and behave. When Christopher gets
here you will do as I say."
"Yes, Keir." I said softly.
Dr. Hilltop walked in a few minutes later and I sank deeper
into my chair. Damn, why did it always have to be someone I
liked?
"Have a seat." Keir gestured to the couch. Chris sat with
ease. He looked completely comfortable with the situation.
He'd been a slave for too long.
"Go sit next to him." Keir said in my head. I agreed to do
what he said, so I sat next to Chris. "Take his hand and look
into his eyes." I mentally rolled my eyes. "Smile Toni, no
sarcasm. You need to make him relaxed and comfortable with you.
Talk soothingly to him."
This wasn't hard, Chris and I are friends, even after I became
a vampire he considered me so. "So Chris, how have you been?
Keeping busy at the infirmary?"
"No, no, tell him softly to relax. Tell him to take deep
breaths."
I took one myself. "Chris, breathe deeply. Just relax your
muscles."
"More, have him focus somewhere away from you. Have him drain
his energy into another point. Then start counting to ten aloud
telling him he's relaxing more with each step."
I knew where this was leading, why didn't Keir just tell me
straight out? Maybe he was doing it to me too? I took the
chance and rebelled against Keir.
"I can't treat Chris like a puppet! I'm not going to hypnotize
him." I said it aloud so he'd know what was going on.
"Antoniette, you must learn to do it now with someone who can't
hurt you. Would you rather learn it in combat with a hunter
when your life is on the line? It's your choice."
"It's okay." Chris said, "I don't mind being hypnotized. I
think it's intriguing. I've volunteered for these sessions
before."
"Chris, it's not about the hypnotism." I turned to Keir. "I
will not become a manipulator like the rest of you."
"Too late." He laughed.
I wanted to attack him so much I imagined doing it. My hands
enclosed around his throat and nails dug into his skin drawing
blood. In my mind he writhed under the pressure of my hands. I
suddenly felt pain throughout my body and I let go of the image.
Then I could breathe again. I opened my eyes and saw Keir
rubbing his neck. "Well, I see you've mastered that subject.
Perhaps instead of teaching you technique, I should teach you
control."
"All I want is to be left alone."
"Not possible. Now, will you finish this exercise? Or do I
have to control your mind to do so?"
Thus I learned how to hypnotize and manipulate people. So much
for me not becoming one of them.
***
I wasn't going to give up. A part of me was still human.
Granted who knew what part that was? My past lives didn't seem
to indicate that I was very humane, if you can believe any of
those was real. Who knows both Keir and Bram could have been
lying. I really didn't know what to believe anymore, hell I
don't think I ever really believed any of this. I mean I've
been a vampire for months and I still didn't believe it.
I had a lot to think about and I didn't want to think. I
wanted to forget everything and remove these memories. All of
them.
There are ways to make others forget. Why isn't there one to
make yourself forget? Well, there had to be. People with PTSD
did it all the time. I laughed at myself, first Stockholm
Syndrome now this. Maybe I should look into a psychology degree.
Kenneth spotted me down the hall and ran up to me.
"Toni, I need you to help me." God, will I never get to rest?
"Help you do what Kenneth?"
"I need to block out her mind control."
"Her who?" I asked a bit exasperated. Looks like I'm getting
an early start on that degree.
I saw it in his mind before he could speak. Kama walked by,
over and over, in different parts of the slave court, halls, the
gym, she seemed to be everywhere, sometimes she looked directly
at Kenneth, other times did not. When she did… phew! Hell, it
even made my heart pound.
"I don't know her name. She's put some kind of spell on me,
you know?" He whispered conspiratorially. "She's making me
fall in love with her. Why would I want to fall for a vampire?"
I sighed. It's not that I didn't want to help. I just
realized how futile it was. If I helped him Keir would just
make me erase his memory of the lesson again. If I didn't, he'd
fall in love with Kama all over again. "Come on."
I opened the door and let him in. I could fix this. I could
find a middle ground. I wasn't sure how, but there had to be a
way and it would certainly get my mind off other events.
I set him down on the couch and got us both drinks. I had
water. I wasn't in the mood for anything else. Alcohol though
would help him and so I poured the strongest thing in my bar for
him. He took it gratefully and took a large swig.
"So tell me about this woman." I said. I kept myself from
looking into his mind. I concentrated on his words and the
sound of his voice. I'd get what I needed from that.
"To start, she's beautiful." He drank more after every
sentence. I had to refill it once in-between. "She's
mysterious, you know. She's got this air about her that just
clouds her in mist. Soft yet radiant." He went on and on. I
became a little jealous of the way he talked about her. I don't
think Bram even praised me that much.
"Okay, so why do you think she put a spell on you?"
"Come on. I fall for some mysterious woman I've never seem
before except a few times across the room. Nobody else seems to
notice her. You people have that kind of ability, right? You
can effect minds."
More than you know Kenneth.
"Apparently we can't make you love us." I said still not
convinced myself.
"God, she's driving me crazy. Come on Toni! You have to do
something! You're the Fixer!"
"I can't fix everything Kenneth."
He finished off his glass and I willingly refilled it.
"Who is she?" He asked.
I hesitated. Should I really get him into this again? I
thought about my own adventures in loving vampires and thought
better of it.
"Don't pursue her."
"But, she's da bomb!" He finished half of this glass already.
He was getting drunk rather easily and I wondered how much blood
he had in his system.
"She's dangerous and will only hurt you. Let her be."
"Toni, It's not dat easy. Girl is phat!" He didn't wait for
me and he refilled his drink.
"She'll rip you apart, eat you and then leave you dry."
"Shit, da last bitch I dated did dat!"
"You've had enough." I took the drink from him, or at least I
tried. He had a good grip on the glass. I grabbed his hand to
pry it open and in his drunken state he took it in another
direction. He covered my hand with his other and started
caressing it.
"You hawt too, ya know?"
"Kenneth, this isn't about me." I didn't pull away. He moved
his hand up my arm and I let him. After all I've been through
the little bit of affection felt lovely.
"Sure it's 'bout you. Dis whole setup's 'bout you, ya know?
I'm just a player in your game."
He rubbed my cheek and I leaned into him. I wanted to escape
from this world and let myself be free. He was offering me that
freedom.
I leaned over and kissed him. The sweet scent and taste of
liquor was on his lips. He didn't open them but put pressure up
onto mine. I felt his bottled up sexual energy and it started
to effect me.
I moved the glass easily from his hand now and set it on the
table. He placed his hands on my hips. Now his kiss moved
further and faster. He started kissing my face, then my neck.
I found myself becoming amorous. I didn't like it. My hunger
for his blood was increasing as well. I didn't understand as I
just fed from Chris. Maybe because I didn't take much from
Chris, since I was afraid to hurt him. Yet this was different,
this wasn't like the hunger that I normally felt, it didn't
exactly come from heart. It was an urge. My whole body ached
for it.
This wasn't right. I stopped and pulled away a little. I
couldn't feed from him he was too low on blood. I didn't want
to kill him. I couldn't take advantage of him either because
Kama would kill me.
"You better go Kenneth."
"What why?" I saw in his mind he wanted similar things to my
cravings.
"Because I said so." I avoided telling him he was in far more
danger than he knew. I wanted to be far away from him. "Go on.
You're scheduled for Dominik soon anyway."
"But-"
"No Kenneth!" I bolted to my feet. "Go!"
With sad puppy dog eyes, he did as he was told.
***
God I hated myself. I learn I'm a killer, nearly a rapist, and
lord knows what else. What was I doing here? I kicked myself
for letting Keir get to me when I promised I wouldn't let him.
Plus, still I had my doubts about Bram and even more doubts
about myself.
I needed to forget all of this. I needed to escape.
Writing would help. I didn't care if Keir still wouldn't allow
me too. I just couldn't get into the writing mood in this
quiet, oppressive room.
What would help is to go back to a type of life where I'm
comfortable, that I'm familiar with and can understand.
I couldn't sleep. Hell, I couldn't think. I just laid there
wide eyed and helpless staring at the ceiling. I was alone. I
wanted companionship, but yet I didn't. I think what I needed
was a dog. Just one that would lie there with me feeling
sympathetic allowing me to pet him and look up at me with big
brown eyes, giving me a lick for reassurance every now and then.
Yes, that's what I needed.
Alas, there were no dogs allowed in the complex. Apparently
vampire's can't handle their erratic thoughts. I one were to
accidentally drink vampire blood… Well, I hear there might not
even be any vampires around to speak of it. I suppose vampires
have fairy tales the same as humans. These stories were
probably passed down just because someone at sometime didn't
like dogs and didn't want them around. Oh well.
That's besides the point. The point was I couldn't sleep.
Bram left for another city, back on the trip I had interrupted
with my suicide attempt. Keir acted strangely distant. Not
that I mind, but it does make me wonder exactly what he has
brewing up for me. Most other vampires were otherwise occupied,
so what was I left with? The human slaves. I had made a point
of turning away Kenneth and have no intention of bringing
another to my bed. Yet I needed to be around people.
So it struck me there was only one thing to do.
I walked through the halls and into the servant's quarters. I
received no strange looks since they had grown very used to me,
even after my subortus I walked through frequently and even
stopped to chat with friends.
It was quiet now, being the middle of the day. Most people
were asleep. I spotted my old cot in the distance and saw it
unoccupied at the moment. I laid down and felt instantly at
ease.
I knew it belonged to another person now, but he wasn't there
right then. The low noise of the people around me somehow
soothed me. I didn't necessarily need to be with someone. I
just needed to be close. Unsurprisingly it didn't take me long
to fall asleep.
It shouldn't have surprised me either when I felt a presence
very close to my body, even in that state. I felt something
warm and wet touch my cheek and then I felt the warm wind of
someone's breath on it. I stretched out my mind and snatched
the name of my assailant. Slowly I opened my eyes to confirm
the face framed in long blonde hair. "Lacey, I'm trying to
sleep."
"How can you sleep when I'm here?" She purred.
That sentence was too true, though I don't think in the way she
meant. She kept talking proving me right.
"I need you, Toni." Her and her obsessions! I lay there with
my eyes closed. It was no good. Her closeness and the
intensity of her thoughts wouldn't allow me to sleep. "Please!"
"I can't." I whispered hoping she would understand.
Whom was I kidding, she didn't. "I need it! I can't stand it
any longer!"
I chuckled softly at her lack of self control. "If you
continue talking that way someone will think you're talking
about something you're not."
"That's the idea isn't it?" She pulled away a little and sat
at my side. I adjusted myself to give her more room.
"If the King were to find out…"
"By then it would be too late." She pleaded. She was
desperate. She didn't care about the repercussions of going
against the King's orders. Hell, he probably already knew and
was watching now to see what I would do.
"And what of your father? What would he think of me?"
"He doesn't need to know it was you." She pleaded. He would
know. I would tell him.
"I can't keep doing this for everyone." Now I was just trying
to find excuses. I knew it, so did she. I really couldn't
though. I had finally resigned myself to doing as I was told.
If I started going against the grain now… I didn't know what
would happen, I just knew it would be bad.
This was my friend though. Which was why I didn't want to, but
as a friend I should. I don't know why I did it, I shouldn't
have touched her mind again. I read so many things there. She
was sad, for her home, for her family, for herself, and a small
part was sad for me, for what I had allowed myself to become.
She was lonely too. She may pretend that she has many friends
and vampire lovers, but the fact was she didn't, and she hadn't
allowed herself to become close, really close to any of them.
She wanted a real life. One away from here. It was something
she had been deprived of all these years. I knew how she felt.
I had felt it too, and to a certain extent I was still feeling
it. The want for something she couldn't have. How strong that
pull was, it pulled me along.
Slowly I rose up on an elbow and stroked her hair softly with
my free hand. "Poor girl." I murmured. Gently I brought her
head down closer to me as I continued to caress her hair. It
was so soft. This is the closest we've ever been. Her
pheromones were off the scale and I had to hold back from doing
anything other than I had planned. Before I could allow
anything else to happen, I let my instincts rule and teeth
puncture her skin.
Her blood tasted sweeter than I had ever had. Those extra
hormones do the trick. Her blood was like drinking smooth
cream. She moaned and entwined her arms around me as I took her
ambrosial juices from her.
Her scent drove me crazy as my tongue upon her neck turned her
on. Her nails dug into my back. My heart pounded harder,
thirsting for more. I held her tighter wanting to squeeze every
last drop from her.
Her muscles were loose beneath my grip and I realized she
wasn't just relaxed. She went unconscious. Fighting my every
desire I stopped her bleeding and looked up at her. She had
grown pale, worse than I ever saw her. Her hair was soaking wet
and in her face. I moved it aside and wiped the sweat from her
brow.
How could I do this to my friend? She wanted it. She wanted
death. I knew I had not killed her, for her soul did not pass
unto me. She was near death. I could feel that much. I wanted
to give her release. I couldn't. I couldn't condemn her to
being trapped inside me like Al.
Without effort I lifted her limp body and carried her the short
distance to the infirmary. The doctor saw us come in and met me
at the first bed that I laid her in. He took one look at her
then glanced at me. Without having to probe him I heard his
mind scream "Damn vampires!"
"Doctor I-"
"Don't say a word Antoinette." He snapped and grabbed an
injector from the table. He was trying to save her life, a life
I almost took from her. Not that she wasn't trying to get rid
of it. That did not change what I did.
I felt useless watching him work over her. I wanted to help,
to do something, after all this was my fault. "Can't I help?"
"I think you've done enough, don't you?" Dr. Wendel has never
been this upset at me. Of course we haven't really talked since
I have become what I am.
I think he is one of the people who was most disappointed in me
for it. His attitude towards the vampires and me changed so
much after they tortured me. He had become loyal to my cause.
Then I betrayed him. Just as I have betrayed Lacey. I can not
blame him for being upset with me. I just wish he could
understand my position more.
Yet looking down at Lacey's lily-white, pained face, I couldn't
imagine anyone being happy with me right now.
I knew Dr. Wendel wanted me out of the way, but I didn't want
to leave Lacey's side. I didn't want to fulfill her desire for
death. I wanted her to live and see her father again.
The life support system beeped slowly. I watched the little
blips. One by one they danced across the screen. Then they
stopped and a continuous, heart shattering, whine took over.
By: Christine Schnell
