Your browser does not support script Purple Cow

One boring week in the middle of October 2001 my friend e-mailed me and wanted to start a story after we had been talking about what to get my mother for Christmas (her collection of purple cows was the main topic of the original discussion).  Both of us being very imaginative people (or sometimes not so much) we went back and forth writing our parts in this wacky story.  Of course being very sarcastic people as well there are added comments that are just back and forth banter, which only makes this more fun, in {}.  Warning; there is some "bad language" ahead both bad words and grammar as I tried to keep this as true to the original as possible.

I like to call it;


The Purple highlighted sections are written by Shelly Stodghill
And the Green highlighted sections are written by Christine Schnell

{ I need a day off of life,   want to run away???}

{ Where can we go that life can't follow?}

{ well you have to play not ask questions just believe that
 we can do it! gosh do I have to tell you everything! lol
 I do not know pick a place....start our journey to quite and no
 life........ we went to.............we took a plan to..............we what?}

 We went to one of the five different Purple Cow restaurants that I'm
 finding on the web.  We had purple milk purple ham and purple eggs...

 this restaurant was in the middle of no where on the side of the road off
 a little dirt road. There were no house for miles around and the last
 gas station we passed was about 30
 miles ago. It is so quite there you can hear the birds play and the
 squirrels looking for nuts and yet it is cool and calm. Not to hot and
 not to cold..............

  And then a big thunderstorm came out of nowhere!  CRASH!!!  A bright
 lightning bolt hit the ground right in front of the car!  We swerved
 trying to avoid it just barely missing the poor squirrel...

 as we swerved to miss the poor squirrel.......... the DAMN "COW WATCH
 OUT!!!!!!!!" as you swerved again we missed the cow but the breaks are
 now GONE!!!!

  AHHHHHHHHH!  We scream until our lungs hurt! There's a cliff ahead!
 (Isn't there always a cliff ahead when the breaks are gone?)  The car
 flies off of the cliff and for a moment it looks like it would keep
 flying to the other side, but alas it falls.  We land in the wild river
 but don't sink and we're swept away by the current.  Down the river,
 down past the valley until we get to...

 some forest that has a shallow river going through it (which stops us). Of
 course now we are out of gas and the car is of no bloody use to us. Mean
 while we still put on the
 hazard lights and leave a note ....just on the off chance that someone
 might spot the car from above, however that is very unlikely cause where
 we finally came to a
 stop........there are trees covering us from all directions (don't you
 hate that). So when you look up all you can see is tree. So now we are
 cold and wet and walking to.....

  The Happy HAPPY Joy JOY land of the little people!  Where everything is
 green and warm and cuddly, and completely wonderfully sickening...

 and then a house drops on you! lol
 and the little people sing and dance some more!
 {lol take it from there!}

{ he he he, I set you up on that one!
 (when I read that the first time I thought you said horse, that would
 have been funnier)}
 Anyway luckily just seconds before I had fallen into a large hole left
 by some strange white rabbit.  I followed the tunnel to the other end
 where I found the little people's village and they were having you for
 dinner, literally...

{ lol}
 Or so YOU I was literally in hot water they noticed
 that you had followed the white rabbit who had just robbed their
 bank and they ask you if you had a
 witness to say where you had been and you look at me (cause of course
 the white rabbit was gone, with the money you both had
 Stolen.... hehehehe) and I said I have never
 seen her before in my life and they...then traded me for you.
 As they were adding things to the stew they asked you were the rabbit was
 going with there towns savings and you said...............
{ (keep in mind you are in HOT WATER and you could boil to death)

 "He's going to her house!"  I said pointing at you ravishly.  Oh wait
 that's my mom's house too!  ARGH!  What have I done?  I ask myself, then
 as a diversion I point to the sky and say, "Look there's a flying purple
 cow!"  They all look, as little happy-go-lucky gullible people do.  I
 take the opportunity to jump out of the pot, grabbing some veggies for
 dinner on the way and grab you while you are still searching the skies
 for the cows and run into the forest...

 as we go running into the forest, we start cracking up. We laugh so had
 we are now sore and have to stop to rest. As we slow down we hear the
 familiar sound of water and
 so we urge on and find out we went in a circle and we are back at the
 car that is now half way submerged in the river and there is now a
 purple cow on the hood. After our
 long walk and our little adventure we both look at each other and
 as we cross the river to "save" the cow.....

{ lol, man that's a hard one I have to think about it a little...}
 Of course while I'm thinking I'm standing in the middle of the river,
 which probably wouldn't be a good thing to do, especially when I notice
 that I've been pushed by the water, which is starting to move faster.
 We jump for the relative safety of the car, and cling to the cow for dear
 life as the water begins to rush us away.  The little happy people cheer
 us along our way singing happily...where we'll go now with our cow we
 can only wait to find out...

{ OH brother (as she rolls her eyes)}
 the little people cheer cause we are leaving and they know about the
 water fall at the end of the river and think we not survive. Mean while
 we are holding the cows legs and
 she is squirting out purple milk cause she is so scared. THEN we notice
 that there is louder running water sound, and low and behold we start to
 fall again.........the water fall
{ People around here are going to think I'm having a coronary or something}

  {laughing at this...}
 But of course the water was deep enough for us to survive, even poor
 purple Bessie as I began calling her.  Since we befriended her and she
 survived with us we felt too bad killing her for dinner, of course we
 weren't really worried about that yet.  We were still wet and up to our
 heads in water, and Bessie couldn't swim that well so we had to pull
 her along until the water was shallow enough for her to walk, at which
 point we rode on her back and fell asleep not knowing where she would
 wind up taking us...

{ lol  aaaaaaaaa HELL!}
 as bets walked we slept until your snoring woke us all up....even bets
 had began to sleep walk. (luckily no one tipped her over...heheheehe).
 Mean while when we woke up we
 found ourselves in purple vill. everything was purple. Even US!~ We
 began to get hungry and bets could tell by the looks in our eyes even
 though she was now a friend she was
 still a disposable she began to run...............AND SO
 DID WE!!!!!

  Of course being purple she was well camouflaged in this land.  So we had
 a very hard time following her, if it wasn't for the large purple cow
 pies she left for us to follow it would have been impossible (at least
 we weren't right behind her, yuck).  Then there was a very strange
 goggling sound from above, we looked and saw (say it with me now...) A
 one eyed... one horned... flying... PURPLE PEOPLE EATER!!!

 who was very friendly and took us back to his village cause we were
 purple so he did not think we were people. He fed us purple pies and
 (wait a sec..........yuk!) purple milk
 (could that be pee) and sent us on our way to follow
 .........................what else ......the purple brick road!
{ hehehee}

  {CSLOLWHIGMI (can't stop laughing, oh lord what have I gotten myself into?)}
 So there we were walking along the purple brick road.  We expected to
 meet the tin man who received a purple heart, or maybe the purply lion,
 or the scarecrow with purple straw, but we saw none of them, what we did
 see was eight purple flying monkeys (there they go again more flying
 animals!).  We would have ignored them had they not been carrying a
 purple cow, and not just any purple cow, but poor ol' Bessie!  They were
 flying her straight to the enchanted purple crystal castle that stood on
 the highest peak we ever saw.  Oh what to do... what to do?

 {ROFLMAO (rolling on floor laughing my ass off) oh lord!}
 Well we were STILL hungry I mean purple pies and Chinese food..... hungry
 3 hour. So off we went to save our damn dinner yet again! Hi ho hi ho
 its off to save Bets we go! Up
 the mountain which took forever and a day up and up and up we
 went....til we met this poor little purple monkey named
 Charlie...........he said..."what are you doing?" in a small
 FRIENDS)  so you told him about the day we had had and Charlie being of
 the only sound mind said...................

 "Jeez, if only you would have stayed at the restaurant in the first place
 you could have all the purple food you wanted."  I hit you over the head
 for taking me away from the restaurant, you hit me back, then we started
 cat fighting until Charlie stopped us.  "Ladies, stop fighting, I know a
 secret way into the castle that will lead your straight to your
 dinner."  And so we listened intently...

 {BITE ME! lol}
 Charlie said...."first you have to get past the guard, who is a big
 burly scary fly..............who will bug you as you try to get past
 him.........the you have to go quickly to the right
 where there is...............

  "twelve big goons, but they're soo big they won't even see you... then
 up the thousand or so stairs but you have to be careful because if you
 trip the trigger they turn into a slide... then you have to watch out
 for the spikes..."  We glared at Charlie and his "easy plan" then looked
 to each other.  Grabbed him put a stuck up his (well you know) and
 roasted him by the fire.  Well fed we now...

{ lol}
 we decided to rest till tomorrow......

Intermission.......... (imagine boring music here for ten minutes)

After a long rest we woke to the bright purple sun and the purple birds
singing.  We stretched and yawned and rubbed the sleep out of our eyes.
Though little Charlie was delicious he was still little and now our
tummies rumbled ready for breakfast...

I looked at you and you looked at me but then it accrued to both of us that
if we did what we were thinking we would be alone for the rest of our trip,
and even though you got us
in to so much trouble I figured I should keep you around just a LITTLE
So off we went through the purple forest looking for food and..........

{Me?!  What did I do?! lol
Okay okay, I'm not into cannibalism anyway.}  As we were walking through
the obnoxiously purple forest you began gathering purple fruits and
veggies, well okay just purple veggies, okay eggplant to be exact, it
would have to be a vegetable I don't like.  So I pouted while you ate
breakfast.  I took a few bites, at least it was better than those purple
pies (yuck).  I had decided I had enough of this purple stuff so we
walked and walked and walked until at last there was color ahead...

It was PINK! (oh this just gets better and better)
Everything was pink, it looked like a damn flamingo threw up.....EVERYWHERE.
Well we could not decide ......stay in purple or to to
pink!...................after a long debate we went to
pink. And low and be hold there was Charlie's.......................

it was Charlie's pink father's sister's nephew's wife's former roommate
(don't ask), who found it rather amusing watching us argue over purple
or pink.  The pink flying monkey (who's name by the way was Percey)
began laughing in a cute pink little voice.  I wanted to send this
monkey off as we did it's fellow in the purple land but you...

wanted to KILL him! I had had enough of these cute little laughing animals.
but you ............

{Hey we were on the same wavelength after all (we killed his purple
facsimile remember?).}  Anyway, you kicked the little critter out of your
way and I stepped on his tail, all in all we kind of pissed him off, he
chattered at us in his high pitched voice waving his itty-bitty fists
about furiously.  Together we yelled "Boo!"  and he ran off...

but then he came BACK! with his mothers monkeys' uncles sons best friends
brothers girlfriends son who..........

Was really a giant pink gorilla, and as gorillas should be was very
angry that he was pink.  Guess we should have killed him while we had
the chance, so instead we ran for our dear lives before he stepped on

Meanwhile Percy was laughing his ass off cause he knew that the gorilla
would not hurt a fly.....but the chase was on and the gorilla was close on

{(now what am I supposed to put here I wonder?)}
little pink bottoms as we ran screaming AHHHHHHHH, my throats getting
soar.  He then began to playfully grab at us just missing but enough to
make us run faster and faster.  We were getting very tired and in this
pink land there was no where to hide, until we noticed...

the purple cow! Betsy she turned around and MOOOOOOOOOOO!
scared the gorilla and we.........

fell down from exhaustion.  That is until Bessie started licking our
faces.  It was strange to see her purple in this pink land, after all
even we turned pink here, finding this interesting we decided to follow
Bessie, perhaps she could help us find a way out of here... (safely)

so we began to walk.......and walk...............and walk............till
we came to an area that was slowly turning back to normal we
stood in place we noticed that as we
changed colors we were also back in the car driving down the road, when we
saw a sign for a dinner right off the road..........................

When we had an overwhelming sense of De-JA-vu.  AHHH watch out for the
squirrel!  We shrieked until we woke ourselves up...

at that point we desided that the cow in front of us should we got out of the car and pushed Betsie (I mean the cow)
out of the way

But she wouldn't moooove, so we got the chain saw out of the trunk and
she moooed loudly (kind of sounded like "run away run away!") and she
hooved it off of the road and we went on into the restaurant to

purple cow figurines everywhere. the were on the plates and the pictures
and the floor so we.............

called my mom to tell her of the find (after we screamed in horror).  We
told her to come right away and bring all of our credit cards

and she DID! and as something to remember she bought us each a purple
cow and for weeks after words we had night mares. Until.................

{this is just gonna keep going on and on isn't it?}
I went in a mad rage and smashed every little purple cow in the house!
As I was doing so you woke up and tried to stop me when we looked out
the window and saw flying by us in the sky...

the stork who gave us the drugs we were on....he gave us more and we went
to sleep only to wake up in our own beds in our own houses. safe and

(but wait there's more)
{are you mad?  You didn't have to end it you know.}

{no I am not mad thought you were getting annoyed
start another one....that one got boring

Scene 1.
Outside star scape, large ship flies by, zoom in to bridge.
I walk on and push Captain Picard aside and say "Ensign Stodghill, set
course for the galaxy Purple Cow!"
{LOL!!!!!  Just kidding about that one.}

See what great imagination people can have when they're bored?

I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it. Please send me any comments you might have, good or bad. Copyrighted 2008 by Christine Schnell. Go ahead and share it with others just keep my name with it.

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